Every day I wake up terrified
Every single day is a fight and I am tired. So tired. I tried doing everything: breathwork, visualisations, talking about it, reasoning with it, arguing with it, ignoring it, being compassionate and understanding, TRE, the list goes on.
And while I’ve had moments of temporary relief, I immediately tense up again because life is just full of triggers. Every stupid fucking thing is a trigger. My job, my degree, talking to people, not talking to people, working out, not working out, eating, buying groceries.
Every single fucking thing feels like I will die or I will be tortured or a major catastrophe is bound to happen and my life will be over.
I can’t fucking do it anymore. Before I started my healing journey at least I was dissociated as fuck, now I am more aware but have no tools to cope. And I‘ve grown resentful of my therapist because where was he in all of this? For months I am doing worse and worse and worse and he seemingly doesn’t give a fuck. Why was all of this never adressed properly? Why didn’t he give me tools to cope with all of this? That’s like your whole job as a therapist?? He tells me I am doing great but I have never in my life wanted to kill myself this bad. I told him that but the next session I had a rare day where I felt okayish so he was like, well guess she’s fine! And he never brought it up since. Like excuse me? I told you I would kill myself if it wasn’t for my husband and siblings right now and that’s fine because in that one session we had I was doing marginally better??
I am also kinda suspecting a dissociative disorder and I was TERRIFIED and so so ashamed to bring that up to him and he just said these disorders don’t exist 😭
So on top of the terrible suicidal ideation, general overwhelm and helplessness I need to find another therapist again.
Venting helped a little. Thanks to everyone who read this far.