Am I a survivor or overreacting
Hello everyone. As you can probably tell I'm currently on burner because people I know follow my main. I'm currently questioning if I count as a survivor. For context let me give what happened to me that I think might be abuse and how I've been responding recently:
Trigger warnings: grooming? Recorded? Emotional neglect? Online abuse? I'm not exactly sure what warnings to put so if you might be triggered just be careful because I'm not sure what happened.
So around the age of 13 I got really into online chat rooms (great opening line for trauma dump I know). I was someone who was emotionally neglected at home. I was the youngest of my siblings by a large margin and only half siblings with them. My mom always worked and my dad was a stoner who was too busy playing poker to ever really support me, and my siblings didn't talk to me because of the age Gap.. So I found comfort in talking to older people on line. 20s, 30s, 40s, maybe even a few 50s. I felt loved by them in a way I didn't at home. Overtime they would eventually persuade me to send nudes and praise my body. I loved the feeling. I felt like the most special person ever. Over time what I was asked to do became more degrading. I won't go into details but I was told to become a sort of "slave" to older people. And that I was only good for that. Going on these chat rooms and online sites and getting to be used felt good at the time. I finally felt useful in a way I didn't at home. I would continue to do this for 4 years. I've probably sent hundreds if not thousands of photos and videos, hopped on web calls. If I had a bad Day finding a new person to use me felt like I was taking charge and being useful. It was an addiction truthfully. But recently I've been getting a lot of strange symptoms. I stopped because I realized what I was doing was wrong (I'm 18 now) but for some reason I keep having these odd responses. Camera clicks make me go into fight or flight mode. I'm scared of text messages. I feel like I constantly have to watch my back in case one of these images comes up. I feel like maybe I am worthless. And last Friday someone was making jokes about CP and I had a full on panic attack out of nowhere. Like night and day a switch came on and I went into a full freak out and started to cry. I'm scared of relationships. I feel like I'm exhibiting some of the signs of a survivor but I feel like I'm not one. I wanted this. I wanted to talk to older people and be used sexually by them. They even made me think them after some times. And I wasn't ever touched. Some of them tried but I never would meet up. I was also blackmailed by several of them for more and more money and pictures. I'm not sure if that has an effect. But I feel like a survivor who's not a survivor if you will. I'm not sure if I actually experienced something automatic or if I'm just being a big baby who should be thankful . Especially because I had a really successful High School career. I graduated top of my class and go to a big fancy school now. I just so happened to enjoy what I thought was a healthy stress relief after school. And why am I only having effects now and not when I was maybe getting abused?
Sorry for yapping. I just don't know anymore