AIO I uninvited my husband to a comedy show right before it was time to leave.
I bought tickets to a comedy show to see a comedian I love. I decided to invite my husband to come with me since we don’t really go on dates often and thought it would be fun for us to hang out.
We spent the day painting a house we’re renovating. He drank most of the day (probably 4–5 beers). Before we left, he asked if he should shower at the house we were working on, but I told him no, please wait until we get home because it takes me much longer to get ready and I wanted to shower first. He agreed.
When we got home, he stopped to talk to the neighbors while I went inside. Our 3-year-old had just pinched her finger in a toy and had also just woken up from her nap, so I picked her up and was comforting her. I assumed my husband would come help with her so I could go shower. Instead, without saying anything to me, he walked past and took a shower himself.
If this was a one-time thing, I honestly don’t think I’d care that much. But this kind of thing happens a lot. He frequently changes plans without communicating, makes decisions that affect both of us without discussing them, or says he’ll do something and then doesn’t follow through. He’s even told me before that he lies to avoid having discussions with me about things he wants to do.
What hurts me most is that when I bring these things up, he usually defends himself instead of apologizing or acknowledging why I’m upset. This time he blamed me for comforting our daughter instead of understanding why I felt hurt.
I also felt uncomfortable about going out on a date after he was drinking all day. If this were a new person I was dating, I think I’d see that as a red flag, but I don’t know if marriage changes how I should view it.
For context, we both have ADHD. He grew up with a very narcissistic father where he felt like he couldn’t speak up, so I understand that communication may be hard for him sometimes. I also know I’m bad at boundaries — I usually just end up sad, crying, and letting things go instead of addressing them directly.
I ended up not wanting him to come with me to the show. It was just a shower so maybe I’m being over emotional and bringing in past hurt when I shouldn’t? Did I overreact should I just have gotten over it and gone with him anyway?