Struggling to eat- level EXTREME
I don't know if anyone can really give me advice... so maybe I'm just bitching...but like.. I'm so sick of not being able to eat. Nothing ever sounds good anymore. I just spent over $300 on groceries yesterday and my brain says we don't have anything to eat. I'm late diagnosed autistic/adhd..so this & eating too much junk/processed foods has always been a recurring issue that comes and goes in cycles..but this stretch has been going on for MONTHS.
Things I randomly do crave, especially things that are better/would actually give me some nutrients, I can't get myself to make it. I have sensory issues + emetophobia + ocd... so raw meat feels IMPOSSIBLE. I haven't eaten hamburger in probably a year or so because I no longer have someone else to cook it for me (which sets off a whole other level of anger & annoyance because I like to think that I'm a strong, independent woman with an "I can do it myself" attitude lol). When I've had chicken, it's frozen or canned because they feel safer in the moment (for my emetophobia) but then I spiral about how much worse it is because....super processed lol I'm probably deficient in everything. Even if I had someone to make the parts of a meal that I don't feel like I can handle, I no longer trust it. I haven't eaten out (probably also about a year) because the anxiety that follows or pops up during just isn't worth it. And it isn't JUST meat. Fresh/raw produce is a problem. Anything meant to get to a certain temp. Anything that has to stay below a certain temp. Everything that isn't precooked/flash frozen/or otherwise safe feeling by default for whatever reason is a freakin problem.
I have always LOVED food... and these issues were kinda background noise. But its gotten so much worse & now it's taking over my entire life. I didn't notice until last year that lunch meats, shredded cheese etc. say "best if used within 7 days of opening" or anything of the sort, and now I can't use it past that point knowing damn well I always did before seeing that and was always fine. I want to eat. I want to eat balanced, healthy meals and feel GOOD. I stay feeling like trash. And I literally don't know what to do about it. I sometimes get health anxiety as well, so knowing that I'm filling my body with trash & poison...always, not just occasionally, as a 33 year old... it doesn't make sense. I'm like a walking contradiction.
Therapy didn't help me and I don't have time for it. So I'm just lost. How tf do I just "get over it" and cook/eat like a normal freaking human?😭 any insight?? Does anyone else have this problem or am I just looney toons over here? I don't know if its the autism, the emetophobia, the ocd...ptsd from food poisoning (which hasnt happened in 3 years)... or all of it combined that is making this such an issue. I also don't know why it's suddenly so much worse...but I just want it to stop and I have no idea how to make that happen.