So, I do band. I play the trumpet specifically. I love the trumpet with my whole heart and I feel like it is the only thing I actually fucking do right. I've gotten multiple awards just this year because of my playing skill at my age (though it's mostly because the judge thought I was a grade level below my current, but I digress). However, we recently moved and now my mom is a single mother of four. My mom just got a job recently as well. I have three siblings, all younger than me, so I act as a baby-sitter when they all get home from school. Now, the reason I even joined band was to do marching band in high school, right? Well, I can't fucking do marching band next year because practice is every single night. Whatever, that's fine. I don't need to do marching band, I can just do concert band, right? NO! BECAUSE YOU CAN'T FUCKING DO CONCERT BAND WITHOUT DOING MARCHING BAND!!!! I CAN'T DO THE ONE FUCKING THING I'M GOOD AT ANYMORE. Sorry, I'm just really upset. I know this is my second post this week.
u/FunEducational4442
I hate school. I'm so unmotivated to do all the things I enjoy. I don't want to play my instrument, I don't want to sing, I just don't feel I have any use anymore. I feel like everything I do is stepping on thousands of needles. I just want to curl into a ball and stay that way. I feel unhealthy and fat and so I've stopped eating as much. I'm naturally a skinny person so I don't even fucking know why I feel fat. I hate everything I do. I hate listening to the way I laugh and speak; it's so annoying. I have the most agitating voice ever. I sound like nails on a chalkboard every time I even try and say something. I can't speak up for the life of me. Every time I talk to someone, they tell me to speak up. I wish I were more confident in myself but that feels impossible right now. I don't know why I want to kill myself. I have plenty of friends and they all care about me. I have a loving mom and family who would bend laws for me. I don't understand why I feel this way. Why can't I just trust the people that love me without being so fucking hesitant every time someone says they love me. I enjoy things I shouldn't because of my trauma and it's taking a huge toll on my mental health. I just wish I didn't need validation from people way older than me. Maybe then I wouldn't want to be or get groomed as fucking often as I do. I'm such a stupid fucking loser who might cut themselves tonight if they're not too fucking stuck in place to do it. I sound like such a chronically online loser, but I am and that's what sucks about this. GOD, I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING.