Four months have passed since my D day (F 35).
My husband (M 39) of 10 years cheated on me for over a year with escorts, through Tinder and Pure app, and with an on-again, off-again relationship with a 22-year-old woman.
I found out many months after his affairs (he didn't confess; I discovered it myself). When I found out, it was a tremendous shock because I'm in his country and have no support network. Besides being alone, I've been battling alcoholism for several years (now under control).
I know it sounds like a pretty obvious situation: leave that relationship... but it's not that easy.
For years, we were doing quite well until I started drinking, and because of that, I neglected the relationship in every possible way. According to him, feeling constantly rejected created in him some know of void that he tried to fill, starting with p*rn and escalating to physical betrayal and that relationship with a girl on tinder.
Somehow I feel so much responsabile for this situation.... All I can think about is that after I confess my problem and stop drinking he changed completely: he became more attentive, helped me through recovery and I started notice how he was worried about me all the time...and somehow I could feel like he was feeling guilty for something (I didn't knew about the betrayal when that happened but he was always saying things like : I am despicable, I am horrible, I don't deserve you).
I want to make an honest, informed decision... but at times I feel overwhelmed by pain and anger. He started therapy as soon as I found out about the infidelity. He's trying to be transparent and respect my boundaries, but I feel terrible... I don't know if I can get through this, think incredible pain and trauma, the guilt... I don't know if even with love we could have a future or we are just to stupid immature toxic people...
any advice?