I can't get over all of the terrible things I did when I was 12-15
EDIT- I truly wasn't expecting to be met with kind words and advice but I really, really appreciate all of it. I won't be replying to every comment since I have nothing more to say other than "thank you, hearing that means a lot" but best believe I am reading them all ❤️ I will continue to improve and get healthier, and I'll try to speak more kindly to myself. 🫂 thank you.
(please keep in mind that this is going to be very poorly written, I'm exhausted rn and I'm not going to bother proof reading.)
I am 18 now, and I live daily with the immense guilt with the stupid shit I did when I was a kid.
I was the type of friend that would threaten to kill myself if a friend attempted to block me. And if they did, i'd make alt accounts to beg for forgiveness in their dms/spam call them.
Id pretend to have panic attacks, saying how scared I was and that I can't live without them (when in reality I was just upset that I couldn't have what I wanted)
Then I would start saying horrifically hateful things. How they were evil for denying me their forgiveness. I'd say that I bought them gifts, and now that they were "bullying" me I wouldn't give them anymore. Id call them abusers for wanting to cut ties with me (meanwhile, it was me who was abusive)
At one point I called my friend "not a human, but an evil monster." (Holyyy shit, dude. Why.)
I would get angry over the tiniest, most inconsequential things possible, I was generally very clingy and CONSTANTLY needed attention and would freak out if I didn't receive it.
No fucking wonder I'd get blocked all the time. Id want to get far away from that too.
At one point, I pretended to "age regress" so that they felt bad for me and would comfort me. This shit makes me so sick to my stomach, I look back at these things and can't believe it was me who committed these actions.
These friends in question weren't great to me either, but nothing they possibly could have done to me would warrant me doing all of that.
I've recently reached out and tried to reconcile with one of these. I so badly wanted them to know I was sorry, and that they didn't deserve anything that I said to them.
I was immediately met with fear, a very long paragraph of all of the things I did (some of which I don't even remember) and was blocked. I really shouldn't have done that. I should've left them be, I have no idea why I tried.
I grew up in an incredibly abusive home. I was beaten and screamed at regularly until I was maybe 16-17 and have had severe depression and anxiety for the entirety of my life, and I'm very likely ocd or autistic although not diagnosed. While doing all of these things I practically lived in my bedroom that was filled with garbage and mold.
It's not an excuse whatsoever and there are plenty of people who have gone through worse than I did and still aren't nearly as terrible as I was.
I've gone to therapy, I'm no longer in contact with my abusive parent, and I'm doing so much better but the guilt is eating me alive. I wish I could apologize in a way that matters. I hope all of my old friends don't live with the trauma and that they have gotten over it and are doing much better now.
I am a stalker, An abuser, and a manipulator and no amount of healing will ever change that. Even if I couldn't imagine doing those things today, I still did them and those actions are mine.