Singleness and living out your sexuality
So I came out as a lesbian about a year ago after a few months of trauma therapy at 30. Once I knew, I knew and it made a lot of things in my life make sense in retrospect. Before I came out, I’d questioned a few years and thought I might be ace a few years before that after breaking up with a man I cared about but realized I wasn’t sexually attracted to. I avoided sex with any men I dated in my early twenties and never really got past kissing. I had a deep desire for partnership and life with someone and I kind of shoved it down after I couldn’t make it work with him. Learning to feel my feelings and coming out made me realize I was capable of loving the way I always hoped I could. I don’t really like apps (or at least haven’t figured out how to use them well), so I continued working on therapy and building my life while waiting to meet someone.
I met someone. I felt like I was struck by lightening the first time we made eye contact. We would touch each other as we talked, she spontaneously hugged me and called me pretty, we felt like we were on the same wavelength and I felt more understood than I’d ever felt in my entire life. We said we had feelings and she held me and feeling her body pressed into mine, I was like ohhhhh this is what it was always supposed to be like. I felt so comfortable and safe and I wanted her-wanted her. We kept talking and holding each other and texting but things didn’t really progress. We eventually went on a first date and things ended really messily after. I’m still unpacking the heartbreak in therapy tbh…
But now that I’m accepting it’s over and there were things that wouldn’t have worked between us in a relationship anyway, and I’m working thru my own stuff, I think I’m still mourning that I didn’t get to live my sexuality out more when we were together. I never even got to kiss her and I wanted to so badly. I loved her and wanted to love her, and loved the side of myself that wanted to love that way and feel like I lost part of myself now. I guess… I thought about getting on apps or maybe trying something casual to, idk “normalize” sex to me, but in the end I don’t think I’m cut out for that. I think in the end, I just want to find my person and love them and live beside them. But I’m scared by not being on apps or going to bars (I’m sober and not much of a partier) etc it’ll be hard to meet someone again.
Anyone else in the same place? Or been here before with advice from the other side? I guess, I just want to know I’m not alone.