I still love the man who tried to murder me
TW: I loved him for 9 years. Realizing, five years later, how badly he was abusing me. Using incel tactics on me. I'm not sure he loved me at all. He tried to kill me and then offed himself. I survived.
My heart can't let go and I feel so defective. I gave him all of my youth. I'm 34. I've spent 14 years of my life loving and mourning this man.
Sometimes I think I hate him. I should. I'm trying to.
But in the swell of my heart, I miss him so much. I saw him differently than the reality was. I don't know how to rectify the two versions of him in my head.
He stole my youth, traumatized me, abandoned me. He knew about my past. He knew I had no family support. And he left me all alone anyway.
I have to come to terms with the fact that he fucking hated me. And I don't know how.
My heart has hardened. It's iced over. I don't think I'll ever trust anyone again. I don't think I'll ever experience love again.
I've been wrecked by trauma and time. I'm overweight, ageing and I've yet to even live my life at all. Childhood trauma was bad enough. And this? It feels unbearable.
Sometimes I think I'm dead. In hell. Or purgatory. Sometimes I think I didn't survive. Or that I shouldn't have.
I've fought so hard all my life to stay alive. To feel alive at all.
I wanted kids. I'll probably never have them. I wanted a house...I'll probably never have my own. I'm living with my parents. Too sick to work, too broken to function. Just trying to feel human...and I still have so far to go.
And he's still there. Fucking with my mind from the grave. I feel like an idiot. A pathetic waste of space. I can't even get out of bed most days. My body hurts. My soul is tired. Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? Because I just found a wall instead.