Widow's Fire/ Awakening/Secondary loss
Husband died 10 mths ago today. Due to his illness, sexual intimacy wasn't possible - four years since. We promised we could have a "friend" if either us passed but when it happened, I was adamant I could never be with anyone again...and I was perfectly fine.
I met someone in the course of estate business, who unexpectedly reached out for a date. I was flattered, then I was angry.. I'm a widow dammit. My BFF was there when we met said OMG you should do it, said I couldn't live in this hole forever (yes I right listen to her as she lost her husband a few years ago as well, but is now in a relationship).
Went on the date. Was surprised at how excited I was. Saw him, we hugged and sat at the bar just talking and getting a nice drink. Got too loud so we went somewhere quieter. We were wrapped in each other, went to his place. Something in me exploded like out of nowhere - I was almost ravenous. I cried twice that night. I felt I was betraying my husband but a few more drinks and I was, better.
We continued this no structure non relationship for the past month and a half but I began to lose myself in him and his body to the point that I broke it off via text three days ago. Told him it was no longer healthy for me. Then blocked all contact.
Today my heart softened enough to unblock and text that I hope he can understand why I had to stop. He responded with a heart emoji and simply said, "I do". And I've been crying ever since. I found out about Widows Fire online but the longing, the emotional trainwreck, anxiety through the roof. It's almost painful. I couldn't even keep it solely sexual my heart jumped in despite me struggling to keep it clear.
I wonder if this is like a secondary mourning. I was wife caregiver friend. I shut down the desire for sexual intimacy. I learned to adjust and was just fine being this woman now guilt for being the woman I forgot existed. She's beautiful and sensual and alive... And scared. I don't want to go through another heartbreak. I wonder if I will find peace because I'm awake now, but I wish that woman in me was just left alone.
Please no negativity - only seeking positive vibes. Anything to help me through. If you understand, you understand.
Had anyone gone through any of this?