Surgery consultation for cyst made me feel extremely dysphoric, trapped and just horrible
I had an MRI a while ago that showed a big cyst and evidence of stage 3 or 4 endo (adhered ovaries etc) so my doctor sent me to a hospital to get a consultation for a lap. I already felt really dysphoric imagining the scars would be a permanent visual reminder of a "female" illness and anatomy that makes me feel like screaming by just having it so I postponed it but lately I've been having worsening random stabbing pain so I made the appointment.
I expected just a talk with a doctor about how the surgery would go, which would've been enough to make me feel horrible with all the "woman" and baby topics plastered everywhere and constantly being called woman. Instead I had to hand in urine samples, they asked me really invasive questions and I had to undress for a pelvic exam which was hella painful on top, despite providing documents about the MRI. None of the staff felt friendly or like they even took me seriously, even noting the cyst as being on the wrong side. They didn't even mention excision for the very likely endo and upon asking what they'd do if they find any even said they might just "close up" if they notice many lesions which means I might have to get yet another surgery.
I felt like I wanted to run far far away to where no one knows me and where no one can force me to undergo anything like this. Everyone around me just pressures me to get the surgery already. They're transphobic and abusive and I'm also financially dependent on them so I can't tell them it'd cause me dysphoria. All of this just makes me feel like I'm not even a person. Like I don't have any rights or autonomy. Others can just decide about me and there's nothing I can do to escape this body either. Now I'll have scars that'll never go away. Ever. No matter how unbearable it'll be to me, there's nothing I can do, I can't refuse and no one will care. I honestly can't stand it anymore. I just wanna have a cis male body because there is literally no other cure to endometriosis, cysts, adeno, bleeding and having a cycle than never having been born afab in the first place. All the treatment options have their own risks and osteoporosis or incontinence aren't exactly just small annoying side effects if you get them. I already tried hormones to stop the bleeding for 10 years but it couldn't stop the cyst, confirmed adeno and likely endo, stopped working for the bleeding at some point, which had my doctor switch me to a different med that made me gain 10kg which won't budge despite going back on my old meds. My body is unbearable by now and I'm not allowed to say anything. I just want out.