I've got a lot going on. I've had a few drinks tonight. I made a post about some of the things going on. I don't even know if it can be seen because of my settings. If someone can just dm. I need someone to talk to. I know that talking online with a stranger isn't the best bet. But I feel like I've got. No where else to turn right now. Thank.goj
Hello. I'm not really sure how to really go about talking about what's going on, so I figure I should just get everything out in a big blurb and go from there. I've got a lot going on mentally, I have for a long time. I've been depressed for as long as I can remember, I've had good days and bad days, but at the end of them I'm still depressed. I live in a family of people with mental health struggles. My younger siblings have their own issues and struggles, and they have expressed them to my parents many times. I can see it on my mother's face and in her eyes that it puts a lot of strain on her, how could it not. My mother herself is depressed, she's been open about it before. The reason I say this is because I feel I cannot try to reach for help myself. I do not want to add to her struggle of trying to deal with multiple children having mental issues and who have self harmed before. I've always had to be a pillar of strength for my family. I've never been able to be vulnerable, I always have to bottle. I can never get angry, when I do it comes out in rage because I'm always holding back everything. I've lost very close friends. Either due to my actions or because they didn't really want to be friends with me. I can't say I blame them, I know I can be a lot sometimes, and I know I'm not really the best person as a whole. I've had to do things I'm not proud of. Without getting into detail, I had to stop my alcoholic uncle from potentially killing my ill grandfather. This happened when we lived with my aunt and uncle after moving states. It was violent, and I had to move in with my grandparents after all was said and done, while the rest of my family stayed at my uncle's house because they had nowhere else to go. Everything went on as usual shortly after, I still lived with my grandparents, and it was like all that had happened never happened at all. I have always been plagued by nightmares, to the point of not being able to be touched while I sleep. I was assaulted in my sleep, years ago, that's what caused the not being able to be touched. What happened with my uncle made the nightmares worse. That happened a year or so ago, and the nightmares are all the same, like it happened yesterday. I don't know how to help myself. Or even what to do in general. I feel lost, like there's no real way I can help myself. Therapy isn't an option right now. And even if it was, I can't tell my parents I need it, it would just add to the emotional load they already carry. I know this post is all over the place, and I apologize to the readers. I just got it all out, or a good bit of it out in one go. Thank you