u/Future_Difference800

I’m struggling with a long term connection. I have a friend (28f) who I, (32f) have known for a long time. She’s like a little sister to me, and she very much considers me a best friend (we’ve talked about me not claiming any one best friend. It’s just never been how I am.) After 10+ years, I’m finding that our connection has shifted and we both are left needing a bit more than the other can provide.

I’m struggling navigating our differing needs as we’ve grown older. It’s like the more independent I’ve become within my own identity, the more she clings and compares. There is a nearly constant want to connect and have physical proximity, talk on the phone, or text. When I can’t or don’t want to, she’s mad. The more that she acts entitled to my time, energy, advice, etc, the more I’m having to set boundaries. I don’t mind setting them, but it’s made a lot of things very rocky when she senses that I’m creating distance for my own interests/needs/life apart from her. I reassure her as much as I can while holding the line, and have encouraged her to get into likeminded community/groups/connections to help balance the scales. Is there anything else I can do? Also If I’m not telling her intimate details of my life, I’m met with passive aggression. We approach life very differently and she makes comments that are quite judgmental and condescending towards my various means of work and even just surface level decisions and opinions that don’t align with hers. I don’t get asked how I am. I don’t get asked follow up questions when I have something going on. I’m just feeling like I’m being put on a weird pedestal while also being here just to serve and soothe her emotional states and I don’t like it.

Her mental health is not the best, but I also care about her so so much and want to find a happy medium. I’m so proud of myself for how far I’ve come and her too, this just feels like the friendship needs natural distance and it’s not being allowed. Thanks for letting me share. 🥴

Writing this to get some advice about my (32f) friendship with a friend who is like a little sister to me (28f.) We’ve known each other for over 10 years and have gone through and seen each other through a lot. We both have trauma backgrounds and were in an oppressive church together from teens to young adults.

ANYWAY. For the past few years as we’ve embarked on life, I went on a massive deconstruction and healing journey and essentially became a new and more realized vision of myself. She opted to move to another state to pursue her own healing journey, but has found that it was much more difficult to make it out on her own than she anticipated (hello Saturn return time for her, iykyk). This has caused our friendship to start holding a lot of pressure to “stay the same” from her to me. I’m seen as her best friend, and while I didn’t have a problem with that for a while, we have had conversations about healthy expectations so that feelings aren’t setting up to be crushed, often due to unrealistic expectations. She’s one of my best friends, but I don’t have a one and only. She’s the little sister I never had. We both have grown into different people with different interests, hobbies, etc.

As I’ve been growing older and pursuing life on my terms, we’ve had issues we’ve talked through about jealously, entitlement towards my time (assuming that since I’m free I’m available) and moments where her passive aggression and criticisms landed on me based on her own emotional struggles and overwhelm. When I voice an opposing opinion that’s asked for even neutrally, she takes it as an opportunity to debate her point until I have to literally say “I hear you and see you on this, I just think we won’t see it the same way and that’s okay.” I feel as if the more I live in this new identity, the more she fights for me and her to be one and the same, struggle the same, etc. I celebrate differences in people, but sometimes those differences come with a natural space between people. I’m okay with that but she’s been really angry.

Biggest hardships for me: she just moved back home to where I am on a whim and is expecting to somewhat assimilate into my life and my friends’ lives that have been established (wants to live nearby, has plans for us around town, etc). This wouldn’t be bad if we had a choice in the matter. But her expectations are strong. Another thing is that she has always had someone within her immediate circle to bail her out of life’s hardships. This makes things awkward between us often because there is an element to life she’s never had to experience and is out of touch with the feelings and struggles of other people in a lot of areas, including me. She looks to me as an emotional dumping ground and very often I’m not even heard or included on our phone calls emotionally, or I’m the scapegoat to her bad day. It’s her way or the highway and she emotionally is a bit untethered right now, so I’m trying to tread lightly with all of this and not fully abandon her. When there is genuine concern showed for her health/mental health, there is nothing but defensiveness or an attack on my own character flaws she perceives that weren’t voiced prior. I can’t help but feel like she’s putting me in the position to manage her emotional states, and now that I have healthier boundaries and am not available for that, it’s causing a lot of pushback that hopefully will level out.

So far I’ve: structured more time around talking (letting her know when I’m available, scheduling calls instead of them just happening whenever she’s free.) I’ve encouraged her to look into clubs and activities now that she’s moved, suggested groups to make some likeminded friends (part of the issue is that I’m her only long term female friend that she tells everything to.)

How do I approach the topic of growing apart or should I keep creating micro distances and talk as we go? I want her as a friend, but I think we both have to face that right now it’s not going to be the way she expects. If I’m being an asshole about this please let me know. I know this isn’t the thread for that but I thrive on feedback. Happy to clarify anything since words are sometimes not my strongest

Matthew Broome, the young man that you are. He does tension so well.