u/Fuzzy-Shoulder-2359

I wanted to expand on a previous post because a user who has identified himself as Dr. Philip Mamalakis, an Orthodox therapist and professor of pastoral theology at Holy Cross, made the argument in this subreddit that Orthodoxy is sex positive and against purity culture.

I disagree. Orthodox sexual ethics are a form of purity culture.

Start with Orthodoxy's almost obsessive fixation on monasticism.

We were told: "Marriage is silver; monasticism is gold."

That pretty much says it all. Marriage is good, but monasticism is better. And look at the saints: there are legions of monastic saints, while the married saints are often celebrated for extraordinary sexual abstinence. We constantly encounter stories of married couples who voluntarily lived "as brother and sister."

Sorry, but that's not normal marriage.

I'm not talking about couples who can't have sex because of illness or age. I'm talking about healthy married people voluntarily giving up physical intimacy because they believe celibacy is spiritually superior.

And I knew Orthodox couples with essentially dead bedrooms who were told by their "spiritual fathers" to endure it, even when one spouse wanted sex and the other didn't.

Shortly after leaving Orthodoxy, I briefly dated a Jewish woman. She invited me to her cousin's wedding. In a Jewish wedding, the bride and groom are given seven blessings. One of those blessings is that the bride and groom find joy and delight in one another.

I remember thinking: Holy shit. They're actually praying that these people have a happy sex life.

Not "sex is permissible because you're married." Not "make sure it doesn't become lust." Not "it is better to marry than to burn."

They're simply blessing the couple's physical relationship.

My girlfriend wasn't particularly religious or theologically educated. Just your average New York Reform Jew with nominal beliefs. When I told her about some of the Orthodox stuff, she thought it was fucking bizarre. Like literally, she said, "That's fucking bizarre."

I told her, "Well, of course it seems bizarre to you. You weren't raised Christian."

She said, "No. It sounds cultish."

Then she pointed out something obvious that had never occurred to me:

"Christianity came out of Judaism, right? Judaism just doesn't have these ideas about sex. Where do you all get this shit?"

And that's what finally made me see it.

Orthodox sexual ethics are saturated with the language of purity, chastity, lust, passions, self-control, virginity and asceticism. Then add the fasting calendar, where many of us regularly abstained from sex in marriage so we could receive Communion.

Meanwhile, the person who completely renounces sex is held up as spiritually higher.

Smells like purity culture to me! It's just not American evangelical purity culture. It's an ancient Mediterranean Christian version of it.

I'm pretty sure Dr. Mamalakis will respond with, "But Orthodoxy says marital sex is good!"

Yes. I know.

But purity culture doesn't require you to say sex is evil. It requires you to create a moral system in which sexuality is heavily regulated, sexual desire is treated as dangerous, virginity is spiritually prestigious, and the sexually abstinent person is regarded as more spiritually advanced.

That's pretty much exactly what I experienced.

Marriage is silver. Monasticism is gold.

Anyone else?

"I want to see the whole project of Christendom collapse under its own weight in an absolute abject historical failure so vast that the very words "Christian Civilization" will have to be nothing other than soup kitchens."

I’m curious if anyone else has reached this point after 40.

I’m 40, divorced almost eight years, and I’ve spent most of that time rebuilding my life. I have my own home, my own routines, my own rhythms. I have my kids, my career, my hobbies, and honestly a pretty comfortable life.

But dating has been… exhausting.

When I first started dating again, I assumed it would just take time to find someone. I figured there would be some trial and error, some awkward dates, maybe some bad experiences (especially on the apps). But after years of apps and trying to put myself out there, I’m starting to wonder if maybe my life has simply evolved into something where dating just doesn’t fit anymore.

The latest example: I recently went on a date with a therapist I met. We had a ton of texting chemistry beforehand. The banter was easy, funny, and engaging. We were sending messages back and forth and it felt like there was a real connection developing.

Then we met in person, and… nothing. Not bad. Not awkward. Just nothing. The energy that existed over text wasn’t there face-to-face. It was like the person I had been talking to disappeared.

And that seems to be the pattern I keep running into: a lot of potential, a lot of conversation, but when it comes to actually sitting across from someone, there’s just no spark.

The weird thing is that I’m not miserable being alone. I think that’s what makes this complicated and where lifestyle conflicts come into play. After almost eight years of living independently, I’ve built a life that actually works. My house is my sanctuary. My weekends have a rhythm. I know who I am and what I'm not. Also, I'm less likely to compromise. For example, I don't really see having a good time with someone who may have dietary restrictions (such as being a vegetarian) or someone who may be looking to cohabitate with someone soon.

But I do miss having someone to share things with. I miss companionship. I miss having someone who is excited to see me and who I’m excited to see.

At the same time, I wonder if I’ve become too set in my ways. Maybe after this many years alone, the disruption of bringing someone into my life feels harder than the loneliness of being without someone.

Has anyone else experienced this? Where you’ve built a stable, independent life after divorce and started wondering whether partnership is still something that fits into your world?

I’m not saying I’m swearing off dating forever. But I’m starting to accept that maybe finding someone isn’t something I can force, and maybe my life is not incomplete if it doesn’t happen.

Would love to hear from people who have gone through something similar.