Seeking guidance
I apologize now for the long post.
D-Day was a little over a week ago. BS found telegram messages to four different people on my phone, including clear evidence that I slept with one of them twice. I admitted it all, and we have been working toward separation. We are in our late 40s and have been together since we were 20, and we have two children (13 and 17).
Context of my infidelity: I have been secretive with porn our entire relationship, which has been a source of ongoing tension. I never thought it was more than fantasy, and despite explaining that to BS, it has always been an issue between us, though it softened over time.
During covid, I discovered reddit r4r forums and the fantasizing turned into chatting. This went on for 2 months, and I admit that had the opportunity presented itself, I would have taken it. However, a user called me out for cheating, and I had a lightbulb moment and stopped completely.
Four years later, BS found those old reddit messages on my account. It had been long enough that I had honestly forgotten, so while it was fresh hurt and betrayal for BS, I felt like it was in the past. Still, we worked through it and committed to each other.
Things were very good for over a year, and then the stress of college applications and auditions (performance based) began to create major tensions between our two different styles and approaches. I was frequently belittled and criticized; not an excuse, but important context for why I began to emotionally check out and feel resentment toward BS, who I think felt different kinds of resentment toward me. Intimacy practically ceased. In February I made the conscious choice to go back to the r4rs, and this time connected with four different other waywards over the next two months through chat. One of them did everything for me–wanted to meet quickly, arranged a hotel room, paid for it. I paid AP half in cash. It was like being in a tunnel going a hundred miles an hour. The other three chats did not result in physical meetings, though I engaged in video chat with one.
I feel incredible shame and guilt, constant suicidal ideation, self-loathing and self-hatred. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I know I caused irreparable damage and pain, and I am desperate to do everything I can from this moment forward to heal what can be healed.
BS agrees that our children’s longterm emotional health is most important, but has also admitted that BS wants them to hate me as much as BS hates me. I understand and accept that desire, but I desperately don't want it to happen.
Our plan is to do a legal separation so that BS can keep the current mortgage rate/payment, and thus the house to maintain stability for our 13 year old. We will not tell reveal the separation until mid July, after graduation, birthdays, final performances. We still plan on taking the prepaid family trip abroad to demonstrate that we can still be a family. After the trip we will fly our oldest out of state for college as a family, and then I will move out. We have plans for me to still help maintain the house in different ways, share driving and other responsibilities for youngest etc. I started therapy this week. I am totally committed to recovery and change.
But last night BS exploded on me. It was one of the first times that we had the house to ourselves. BS's hatred and loathing are overwhelming, and though I accept all of it, I am scared that BS will decide to blow these plans up. On DDay, BS sent videos of all the conversations I’d had, including explicit photos, to my mom, brother, and best friend. BS wanted them to know who I “really” am, a monster, said I have always been this person, that who I was in secret on those chats is who I really am. About my kids, BS said “When they ask why, I’m gonna tell them it was because you could get sex for fifty bucks and the cost of a box of condoms. And then they are gonna know what a sick fuck you are. Someone who throws their life away for that is not redeemable. They’ll always remember what their price was.”
I don’t know how to move forward. Any and all advice is welcome. Questions will be answered with radical honesty.