u/GOOSElmao69

hi, i’m new to this sub. i have no idea if i have bpd, i haven’t been actively seeking out a diagnosis, im just wondering if i fit the criteria in any way?

this is in no way to attention seek, or seek a new diagnosis to be “quirky,” im just curious if i fit anything here or if im struggling with something else.

TW: mentions of SH

ive been struggling with mental health since about 6th grade, although it didnt start out very bad. it was just the classic “no one likes me” “i have no friends” type stuff, although it felt real because i have adhd and never shut up, and am also loud, leading people to constantly tell me to stop talking, they don’t care about what im talking about, they shush me, etc. my whole life i’ve struggled with this, and i’ve always felt excluded because all my friends had better friends than i was.

as the years passed it slowly got worse, ending up with me starting SH in about 8th grade. i didn’t really realize that’s what it was at the time— id just be playing with candle wax, ignoring the pain because candle wax is fun. maybe it wasn’t SH, but my bf at the time thought it was.

freshman year i started actually hurting myself. very mildly, but still doing it anyways. at this point i was also in a toxic friend group, going back to calling me nasty things, saying im embarrassing and childish, and that im annoying and loud. things that hurt someone’s self esteem.

then, sophomore and junior year, i got into some toxic relationships. but they weren’t abusive, just avoidant attachment while i was anxious attachment. i refused to let these relationships die, and was still hurting myself over the thought of it as well as just in general. at this point i was also experiencing periods of numbness, where i didn’t feel anything and would resort to SH to bring some feeling.

currently, im in a very healthy relationship, but am still experiencing these bouts of emptiness. additionally, i constantly overthink every interaction i have, both with him and others. neutral reactions are negative to me. i also get randomly irritable, and end up mildly lashing out at my bf, then apologizing, but continuing to stay quiet, which hurts him further. i also experience explosive anger sometimes— i shattered my phone because i was frustrated that something wouldn’t print and was stressed i wouldn’t finish my project in time. (side note: im surprised it still works— it’s slightly bent now LOL) i ended up having a panic attack at the library and needing him to come pick me up so i can print at his house.

i also struggle with feelings of worthlessness, SI, loneliness, and idek what else. it’s overwhelming to feel like this, but the thing is i still have happy moments. i feel as though im happy a good chunk of the time, but it can quickly change.

i don’t know if any of these are symptoms of bpd, or if i just have some kind of adhd anxiety depression combo of some type. i guess id just like a step in the right direction? also, i AM in therapy currently. i’ve been talking to her more about this lately, so my safety is not something to be concerned about.

thanks for reading this far.