36M haven't been in a serious relationship in 6 years. Met a girl 34F 6 years ago and fell in love but didn't pursue her because I didn't want to lose her in my life. What should do now?
I 36M spent my entire 20's in and out of various relationships up until COVID hit. When COVID came around I broke it off with a girl I had been seeing for 4 years and I had several casual relationships for a brief time shortly after we broke up. During this time I met the most beautiful girl 34F I've ever known (inside and out). We spent every weekend together during lockdown. She was new to the country and I wanted to show her everything that my country has to offer. During this time she was seeing several different guys and despite that I didn't care at all because I genuinely love having her around. I didn't want/wasn't ready for a relationship and I also felt unsatisfied with myself on a personal level and felt inadequate and not good enough for her. Despite this I continued to hang out with her and we'd spend hours talking, watching movies, exploring the city. I'd sleep over and never once did I view her as a sexual partner. One day we got into an argument over something trivial and in the moment I felt sick to my stomach. She asked me to leave her place and I hadn't felt that feeling in years. I was in love with her. The thought of not having her in my life was all of the sudden so apparent and terrifying that I immediately started to detach so that I wouldn't have this feeling. We talked occasionally after that maybe a few times a year for an hour or two at a time but I always kept the mentality that I'd rather have her in my life as a friend than not have her at all. Fast forward 5 years and she's still in my life and we recently started talking again. She vents about men and asks me why I don't pursue women that show interest but the reality is I haven't been interested in a woman since I met her. She's a disaster. She's chaotic. She's fallible and personable and honest, sometimes brutally so. I love her soul and I feel like if I'm going to do anything for a woman in my life she's worth every effort. The issue i have is that I am too afraid of approaching the subject and our relationship changing if she doesn't feel the same way. I don't even know why I am writing this post other than to get my feelings off my chest. I don't want anyone but her. There are lots of other women that I could pursue but I've already found the one that I want. I want to thrive, struggle, laugh, love, hurt, feel and experience everything life has to offer with this woman. I am not lonely without her and I am completely content being alone but when I think about the possibility of not being alone I can't picture any scenario where it's someone that's not her.
Anyways... I hate that I'm so apprehensive about this whole thing. I've done really well for myself career wise and worked hard to make a life for myself without depending on anyone but I can't help but anchor any hope of allowing someone in unless it's her.
If you've managed to read all this and can make some sense of this, I commend you.
I just want to live for something greater than myself and share that with her. Only her. #feelsbadman.jpeg