Im gonna try and keep this short and sweet. It needs to come out somewhere so it’s going here.
-Have a psych degree, been working at various dealerships since graduating. Currently at a dealership for the summer to regroup and save some money, was possibly thinking of moving into HR for something semi remote with some more freedom. Currently putting in 42-3 hours a week with sitting in over an hour of traffic going to and coming home from work.
-Moved away from home for a girl 300 miles away in the mountains. She cheated.
-I enjoy motorcycles and mountain biking. Really enjoyed living there, however I had little friends.
-Broke up with said girl, and am now dating a girl I dated prior to her. Love her very much.
-Moved back home to be with her and both her family and mine. I don’t get to see my folks as much as I like, as I live with her parents. My parents were kinda harsh on me growing up but realized that a few years ago and have been pretty cool since. I know my mom wants grandkids but I never thought I (the youngest) be the sibling to be contemplating it first.
-I was under the assumption that we’d try and get out of NY in the next year or two. Her brother is special needs and requires 24/7 care, she cannot move away from him.
-There’s not much to do here that I find enjoyable. I’m trying, but it’s difficult.
Been here for a month and feeling like I want to blow my brains out. Feeling guilty that I can’t keep up with the lifestyle that people live here and I will never be “enough” financially or emotionally for my own family or hers. I sat down with my therapist, and it didn’t get me really anywhere other than I put more grief on myself than need be most days, which I’m working on.
I’m very anxious on a daily basis, because I just don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t have a routine like I did when I was alone, and now I take her lead most of the time, but still do enjoy some time to myself. I do love her, but I’m just unsure if we want the same things from life. She wants to settle in the next 5 years or so. Talking married, kids, house, all that; but save and live with her parents for the time being. I’ve been unsure my whole life if that’s what I want, and I’ve been trying to come up with a decision for the last few months. I really don’t want to hurt her feelings. We do get along exceptionally well, I just feel like we differ on fundamental things sometimes.
One example:
-I see myself at peace with a fat piece of land with room to ride, and some sandbags down range. not in a touristy or congested area, maybe just some close friends. I always wanted a hub where my family can congregate and enjoy these things. Not think about children until set and ready, and if it’s not possible biologically I’d adopt. Even thought of getting a vasectomy for the time being.
-She sees a seasonal rental property in her parents backyard and another property in Florida, going back and forth.
-I’ve attempted soft conversations about my concerns with her, and since I’m not good at describing these things her answer always resorts back to “you should look into going onto some anxiety medication, it’s helped me so much.” Which is true, I dated her years back and was treated like shit. She’s an amazing girl now, but I am scared of the “old” her coming out. I see bits and pieces of it now and again but recognize and appreciate how far she’s come.
TLDR: After realizing my frontal lobe has developed, i still see that I have the brain of an 8 year old. However I don’t know if my decision making is quite there. I Am Dating a girl I never thought I would have a chance to be with when I was younger, and now contemplating that it might not be what I want for myself. Not entirely sure what I want to do with myself. At this rate and my rap sheet of messing up good things, I’m gonna be alone in a van down by a river.
Thanks for letting me dump my brain.