My Life is a Void
Hey everyone. I'm a late 20s dude who's been maladaptive daydreaming his entire life. Recently, I've been trying to live in the "real world" *gasp* for a bit now. Not engaging with anything that triggers my MDD, such as social media (okay... well, this post is an exception), music, gaming, whatever. And it has been tough. I can think more clearly... but with that positive, I've only had negative thoughts to sit with. I've had to come to terms with the fact that I've wasted my entire life. I'm essentially the same person mentally now as I was at the start of adulthood. Even throughout my childhood and teenages, I spent more time by myself inside my head. And that gets us to the title drop: my life is a void.
Do I have any interesting experiences to share? No, not really. Any fond memories to look back on? Few and far in between. Just... static. Pick any year you want and I'd be hard-pressed to think of some notable things that happened during it. Everything just blends together with how bland life has been for me. Or at least real life. My fantasies? Oh, going on all sorts of adventures! Slaying demons, owning multi-million dollar businesses, captaining starships, you name it. Of course... no remnants of any of that are visible here in front of my eyes as I'm typing this. Nothing that I can tell other people I did. A complete waste of time. And the crazy part? Even now, with these hard truths bearing down upon me, a part of me still wants to ride out these delusions into the end.
^(Brain: Existential crisis? Don't even worry about it, bro. Here's a serving of "hero power fantasy." Let's give you some super-strength and a neat costume. And of course, there's a villain riiiight over there and he wants to take over the city. Now go get the baddie and be showered with praise by your adoring fans after!)
As enticing as slipping back into delusion is, a part of me also wants to break free. That's why I'm writing this, aren't I? I'm mostly a lurker, both on Reddit and the internet at large. That means this awakening I've had must be a pretty big deal to me to even post about in the first place. So I must look at the reality of the situation. I'm just... a nothing person. Without a personality, without hobbies, without interests, without skills. That hero scenario? Could just as easily be me on the other side as the villain. Any aspects of myself are malleable within the dreamscape depending on my mood. I could be hero, villain, rich, poor, etc.
Even when I'm trying to do something else, I'll still have my head in the clouds. Let's take gaming as an example. I can't just play the game... I imagine myself as the character in it. Like with Mario, I'll imagine myself in his shoes, even doing his silly little "Let'sa go!" before he starts the levels. Playing the levels themselves, I'll usually imagine my progress through them being recorded, with whoever's watching them being impressed by my athleticism even though there's no way I could do all the stuff he pulls off as a cartoony videogame platformer character.
So yeah, guess that's it. I've been on an emotional roller coaster as I've been processing my feelings on being within throwing distance of the big 3-0s with nothing to show for it. If anyone wants to talk and share their despair, I'm open to it. Misery loves company, after all. Thanks for reading.