The longer it goes on the worse it gets.
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I want someone to understand me. I dont mean understand me at a surface level, but deeper i want to be seen and I want someone to actually understand how I feel. I think I have a want or need for someone to know the things going on in my head. I hate to be a burden so I try and keep things light, I say everything's fine or that im going through a rough patch but never more.... so i thought. I keep people at a distance and I should have kept it that way. I hate that I opened up, it makes me feel weak. Like I need help, like they are a necessity to me and that they can't leave me like this because, what if leaving me makes it worse? I want to feel needed but Instead i feel like background noise, I feel like i have to preform but I dont even do that right. I hate how I am, i hate how I act around family, friends or even in public around strangers. I feel so far away from everything, like I have to look through a telescope but I still cant see enough. But yeah I want to feel wanted, I want someone to open up to me, I want to build a relationship and get close with someone. But it seems impossible, I can never get someone to trust me, no matter what I tell them, no matter what I show them im still left im the rear view mirror. Just me, alone. Them gone with the information I gave to them willingly, there for them to use, to hurt me with. I hate how I am perceived but its my fault, I dont share enough and when I do its when im at a low, when im vulnerable, when I will only share the worst parts. It feels impossible to talk at other times, so they just see me as that. Something that is struggling, like a bird with clipped wings begging for help. But yeah, it annoys me people only see me when im at a high or a low never in-between because its hard to talk when im just "ok" why would i complain? Why would i try and explain how I am feeling? And that's one of the worst things, when you cant explain what's going through your head. When you struggle to form sentences, or piece together paragraphs made for people to understand you. When you wish you could just give them your thoughts for them to properly understand, so that they could see how you really are without trying to string together a sentence, without trying to talk without crying or getting too emotional about it. I hate that I am like this, I want change yet am scared for it, i want a difference in this life, some positive thoughts that linger instead of the negative ones. Its great to have good times, hanging out with friends or family, laughing or chatting, but none of it is long term, after its the contrast of going from having fun to nothing. From moments of bliss and joy to emptiness. Nothingness is horrible, nothingness is lonely, nothingness is those depressing thoughts that hang around just to bother you. Nothingness is pain because if you can imagine having nothing it feels unbearable, and I don't always mean physical things, its mainly people, people you have those connections with that keep you going. Because yeah sure i have physical things and some people I can talk to but its the thought of, will they leave if I bombard them with depressing thoughts? Or will they suffer in silence like I was before? Just listening and never talking about their issues. I want to tell someone about the things I think about, it would be nice for an outside perspective but I would surely be a burden. Right? Though I wouldn't think this if someone opened up to me. I wouldn't think they are a problem or an issue in my life, rather I think it would improve the relationship i have with them. We could have a deeper and more understanding connection. But why don't I think they would as well? Do I just assume they don't because it would be difficult? And the longer it goes on with hiding, the easier it gets to hide everything, you start questioning if you are even you anymore. You lose yourself in the process, you lose the knowledge on how and when to open up. Of course you still feel those things but it can disguise itself as something else and it can add to the pressure. But its not always good pressure but maybe the pressure to be ok, and I think that is something that grinds on people. The pressure to be ok is i think greater than most, people don't want to open up, they never have because they don't want to be a burden, they don't trust people with the information, they don't want people to see them differently. They don't want to be different and definitely not different in the way that people might not want to see. Because why would they? Why would they want to be THAT person, the person who struggles with everyday life, the person who is weak and should be left behind for the better of mankind, they shouldn't share their genes around this earth because their kids will just end up like them. A weak, struggling soul who wants help but doesn't have the chest to say it. Sometimes i feel like this like i want to scream but i have no voice, like i need to run but i have no legs, i feel paralysed and stuck in this position. That feeling of being THAT person haunts me, so by that I shouldn't open up, I shouldn't say anything. If I just keep to myself and get through this life maybe it will be ok. Who knows, maybe there is something waiting at the end, waiting for us to reach it. But a lot of people skip too early, die in dumb ways or commit suicide and sometimes it really is tempting to join them and be one of those people.
Sorry for the long rant (if anyone got this far).
Sorry for the lack of paragraphs and sense of direction in my writing. But i felt like I needed to get this out