If you ever…
I know you have a Reddit account, you told me about it once long ago….
I usually would spend nights prowling the entire platform, looking for your username, to see what you have been up to,
But despite you thinking I don’t trust you at all, I put more trust in you than I have anyone, ever.
If you ever want to know what I truly think about you, in case I have made you confused, or caused you to doubt my love for you, or your worth somehow…..
I honestly couldn’t have ever imagined you would come into my life, and be the perfect man, the man I never thought I was good enough to have….. you came at a time when I was doing so well, for myself. I was independent, working the same job for 3 years, I hadn’t missed a day of work, and I was doing better for myself than I ever had before…. I was sober, I had a good relationship with my parents and my daughter, and things were honestly great, and for the first time, I didn’t have to worry about how I would pay my bills, or finding a job with a sketchy history of being fired. I was content and doing it all on my own.
I remember the day we first had a full conversation, you came up to my apartment to check out my air conditioner. It was moldy, and you were having the same issue with yours…..
We talked for hours.
You told me later you had the feeling you were being weird and should have left sooner, like you were holding me up or I had other plans…..
I told you later that I wanted to continue talking, anything to keep you from leaving. You caught my attention, like no one else had in so long. You were not only just the type I have always been such a sucker for, but intelligent, respectful, charming, and funny, in your nerdy sexy type of way.
Now, 5 years later…..
I never imagined things to be the way they turned out. I never thought I’d go from being a girl you thought was beautiful, strong, sexy, funny, your dream girl….. to being a girl you can hardly look at, without feeling disgust and contempt.
I don’t know where I went wrong. I know I did something to hurt you, but I also have not been myself, for a long time…… something changed me, and I know everyone wants to blame it on drugs, but I don’t think they had anything to do with it, to be completely honest.
I just wish I could talk to you. I try now, just as I have been trying for the past 4 years or so….. but I’m met with anger, hostility, and basically just shut out completely from your bubble, which honestly has been that way since I fucked up in the beginning.
I betrayed you in a way that had been done to me countless times in my life. Every relationship was the same, I fell for the man, who seemed to want me just as much, and after the initial spark wore off, they always grew bored with me, and would cheat with anything that was living and breathing….
I would forgive after they were caught red handed, only to be met with the same cycle, cheat, forgive, repeat…..
Then fast forward to you, a guy I had never expected I would meet, someone I found to be so perfect for me, a soul mate, my other half…. You were the best listener I had ever met, you made me feel so loved and accepted and seen in a way no one else had ever been able to make me feel….. I just got scared. I couldn’t see myself with a man as handsome, charming, and perfect as you.
I was not worthy of a man of your stature, is what I allowed myself to believe…..
I fell to hard, to fast…. I let you totally consume my thoughts, fill all the spaces in my mind… I spent days I should have been focusing on my job, worrying over you. Wondering if you were worrying about me, too….
Well, I let myself get so attached, so quickly, that the first time we fought, and you started to back away… I would try to reach out, and you wouldn’t answer my calls…. I’d come to your door, and I would knock. Maybe it was my crazy imagination, but I swear I heard voices inside, and the minute I knocked they would go quiet…..
So I instantly let my mind get weak, and the doors that I had sealed shut for eternity from the past reopened, and all the pain that I had internalized and never fully dealt with came rushing back like a flood……. I had to numb the pain. Surely you wouldn’t be like the rest, surely, you wouldn’t hurt me like they did……
I drowned myself in alcohol, and I made a mistake that night that forever changed the way you saw me…..
After that, it only got worse.
I couldn’t get you to open back up to me.
You closed yourself off,
I begged you for forgiveness, crying on my knees and begging you for another chance…..
We couldn’t communicate from that day forward. There was a coldness from you I felt every time we were together… affection slowly died out to nothing, as did intimacy….
We never laughed together anymore, and I couldn’t open up to you comfortably, because I felt as though despite choosing to stay, there was a disconnect between us that I couldn’t find the words to bridge…..
Then, after months of going from having the best relationship I have ever had, to not sure if I could ever have that again, due to my own inability to just accept a good thing for what it was…..
I lost my job…. The job I had literally had for almost 4 years, my first job as an adult on my own that I actually excelled at, and that I found my career path in…. I lost it becuase of my drug use, and my inability to seperate our relationship and work….
After that, everything started to happen to me, the things that I keep mainly to myself now, because of fear of being judged or put in a nut house…..
Maybe I should have been more open to you about them, but I tried a few times and you didn’t seem very receptive…..
You were mostly angry, or came across as uncaring, basically making me feel as though I could either deal with the problems myself, or you were going to leave me, because to be quite honest, they do make me sound crazy… like someone who is delusional, or unable to separate reality from fantasy…..
I just didn’t know who to go to,
Or how to cope with everything… the loss of the job they had been my purpose and gave me the most confidence and independence of anything, and literally gave me more money than I needed, and was the only thing I had to support myself financially….. the total shut down from you, because I betrayed you and made you feel as though I wasn’t worth opening up to any more… made you see me as untrustworthy….
Then the mental breakdown, the total shift in what I thought was reality….
I honestly wish I could explain it, but I still struggle to
Find the words for a lot of it.
I will never have solid proof of what I was experiencing, and I can never actually show anyone the terrifying experiences that are still so vividly real to me, they are indistinguishable from reality…..
I just wanted you to understand…. I know I might be mentally ill, or crazy….
But I needed you, so badly in that moment. I know I didn’t deserve your love after what I had done to you, but you chose to stay, and I thought that was your silent way of forgiving me and choosing to continue trying to build the life we were supposed to have.
I let myself slide into a place that was so far from the real world, so delusional, irrational… I did seek mental
Health help, I went to a psychiatrist online and got medication that literally made me worse, and I began to feel such bad paranoia, I looked at everyone as though they were out to get me, and I continued to use and let myself sink further into psychosis….
I looked for you the night I betrayed you the second time…. You were all I wanted, I was so terrified and delusional, I couldn’t even be on my floor of our building, for fear it was going to start on fire, or something of that nature……
I looked for you, but you weren’t home. Your door was unlocked, so I checked your apartment, and you were definitely not there. I recall that I looked everywhere, and waited a bit to see if you’d come back…. But you never did.
So I stood by the front door for hours, literally terrified to go upstairs to my floor….
He passed by a few times, and offered to let me come over.
I politely denied, more than once.
Finally, exhausted and literally so uncomfortable from standing in the entry way for hours, I accepted his invitation.
He took advantage of my state of mind, and used
Something very sentimental and traumatic from my past…..
I never wanted to hurt you, you were the only man I wanted in those moments, but I couldn’t be with you, and I’ll never understand why you shut me out…..
I’ll never understand how you went from being totally
In love with me, went from sharing a connection that was like nothing I have ever felt before in this world,
To ghosting me, and wanting more and more space every week……
I just needed you…
I wish I could say it wasn’t my fault, but I ruined everything by betraying you twice, and now
I have to suffer the consequences of my actions.
But I still wish you would have been there….
I wonder if that would have made a difference, if you would have just opened the door and let me
In, and held me like you did when we first got together….. made me feel safe, the way you had done better than anyone else I had ever met until then.
I can’t change the past…. I know I am nothing near the girl you fell in love with in the beginning…….
I have lost total site of her, and despite what you have said, I have tried so many options,
So many different medications… therapy…. Coping skills that are healthy, and stepping away from drugs and alcohol for a few months at a time…..
I just don’t know how to fix this.
I wish you understood, or would at least love me
Until I can find her again…
I know she’s in there, she is just buried under a lot of trauma, pain, and regret… under layers of guilt and shame for the things I have done,
And hurt for the loss of time we could have been sharing as a couple, happy, possibly living together,
Or married by now…..
I messed up big time, and I want you to know, they meant nothing to Me. I didn’t even find them the least bit attractive, to be quite honest…
They just both showed up conveniently when I was feeling broken, and when you were nowhere to be found….
I don’t blame you for any of it.
I made the worst of the mistakes in this relationship,
And for the most part, I didn’t ever try to push things… I let you win arguments,
Backed down basically every time, where I would have fought back with anyone else…
I knew my place.
Your anger was justified. That was only the worst of it, I have been totally awful to you, the one man who deserved the best of me the entire time…..
Now I am sitting here, awake, wondering if you are awake… I hope you are sleeping, you need to get caught up on your rest, especially while I’m not around keeping you up late, or waking you up to early…..
I just wonder if you think of me when we’re apart, the way I think of you.
Do you still think I’m sexy? Beautiful?
Do you still think you can forgive me
Someday, or ever fully trust me again?
I love you, despite our relationship having a lot of pain and heartbreak, a lot of unspoken words and resentments, and despite our personalities clashing in ways I never expected…..
I love you, more today than I did in the beginning, and I hope you know you did teach me how to love. You taught me that love isn’t always just Disney movie romance, and good times, and perfect grand gestures of affection…..
Sometimes it is being able to communicate, and forgive…. Looking past each others shortcomings, and being grateful for their flaws.
It’s being able to still find them to be your safe place after an argument, or having faith that despite times being rough, you’ll both come out stronger on the other side, together.
I really hope you will stay, because I know I’m not going to ever leave you.
I want you still, I need you more than ever….
Maybe things will start to look up for us soon, I’ve been praying and trying to be positive, in spite of all the things going on in both of our lives right now…..
I’m positive for you, and because you are still here..
You’re my biggest blessing, and I hope you never have to wonder if I love you, and if you’re worthy of my love.
I hope you get some rest tonight, and I’ll talk to you tomorrow.
I love you, beau❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️