I've started ignoring my best friend when she brings up her issues
Okay, I know it sounds bad. It is, probably. feel terrible and like an asshole but I have absolutely no idea what to do anymore and genuinely I find it hard to care, too. So yeah, probably an asshole.
My bsf has been struggling with sh and ed since we were like 13 or 14. And it's been like 6 to 7 years now and I've been supporting her. Always. Like I didn't know much about it back then but I've learned now and I made mistakes but I try to be better for her always. And she did get better before. Sometimes. But then she would relapse.
And I don't think bad about her or less of her because of anything. But the truth is, it's becoming glaringly obvious that now, or at least, for the past two years, she just doesn't want to get better. Like. She refuses to go to therapy. She refuses to see a doctor. She refuses supplements even though she doesn't eat. She refuses any sort of help and tells me 'it's not bad enough yet'
But it's bad. It's very bad.
She can't walk without getting dizzy. She's always tired. She's so weak. She just lies in bed all day. Apparently she couldn't even walk up a flight of stairs at her own home without collapsing in bed.
And then she'll complain to me about all of it. She's going to rant, and then I'll tell her to go to a doctor please or get therapy please but she's going to refuse and she's going to be like you don't understand. Because I'm pretty when I'm thin. And she refuses to see me because she's not at an 'acceptable' weight yet. She told a mutual friend that she gets very dizzy every day but she's 'resilient'. No, that's stupid is what it is.
And she talks so casually about the things she does to herself and it makes me sick. Like why are you telling me this if you're not even going to listen to me? Why are you making me listen to how much you're suffering? Just so you'll have a witness?? Is that it?? What am I supposed to do here?
Just listen to you tell me how you're going to do the most terrible thing to yourself and when I beg you not to you'll just brush me off because I don’t understand.
She's right. I don't understand. I don't think I ever will. And I can't be her witness. I can't do it. I used to be so so angry but now I can feel myself getting apathetic to it all and that scares me more than the anger. So everytime when we're talking and she mentions something like this, I just... brush past it.
I'm not outright ignoring her. Because I know I'm the only one she has. I'm still here. But if she mentions anything she's going to do in between conversations, I'll continue with the main thing and not respond to that particular point of issue.
I hope she gets help. I hope she gets better.
But I'm tired, too. I'm really, really tired.