Could you spare 5-10 min of ur day reading this.
So i am M21 Autistic (diagnosed as a kid) with a long distance pwBPD (non-diagnosed), we have been together for almost 2 years now and meet every month since we don't live too far and i wanna spare you guys the whole story of us. There has been a lot of unacceptable things going on when it comes to boundaries, respect, love language, etc.. i feel like i can't live my life without making the whole rs about worshipping her not literally. It always has to be her way even when it comes to my personal life and boundaries. She doesn't seem to respect me at all and the reason why is because she needs me and she can't handle anything. I am a very empathetic person and i love her dearly i have a real attachment to her but i also have lots of resentment. We ALWAYS communicate our problems to this day but here's the thing communication is useless if there is no comprehension and understanding. I find myself being misunderstood 95% of our fights. I just let it slide and try my best to be there for her. Growing up i had it rough in a lot of ways trust me i am also gonna spare that story but long story short i tend to be a people pleaser although i have made progress on that in the last few years (my gf being the mental exception). I always just end up agreeing to her strict rules and unrealistic expections just so the problem can go away, she makes me promise everything and when i can't keep up she tells me i'm breaking her trust and it ends in another big argument with her asking me to change. When i fight against something i don't like it lasts HOURS until she gets what she wants i even expressed that and other things very clearly but as i said communication is not working out for me. She knows about my past and present struggles, but she only shows that she cares if it doesn't interfere with her needs and rules. I have started not telling her about what bothers me in this rs as much anymore. I am gonna admit i'm not an angel myself there have been things that i have done wich broke her trust like reaching out to an ex or porn addiction related stuff wich i get and appologized for. I have moved on from my ex and i have stopped watching porn ever since she found out a month before we got together. I also raise my voice or yell at her a lot wich i am not proud of but it's no who i am. I know i'm not a person who is violent or who just yells at people. I know that the reason i yell or cuss at her uncontrollably is because i feel like she doesn't really love me or care about me. Usually it happens when communication doesn't work out and trying to explain for so long reaches my limit. I didn't use to yell in the past only raise my voice but recently i would say stuff like "YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK YOU" "I FUCKING HATE YOU SO MUCH" etc... just plainly insulting her and trying to get her to regret her action subconsciously. When i calm down i apologize and show my regret. We have broken up once last year right before summer but we got back together in september after i convinced myself she would finally start respecting or valueing me. She did at first but it slowly started getting worse and affecting my mental health again. When we broke up i had the worst summer of my whole life, not only did i break up with my gf i lost 2 close friends whom i have known for years and cherry on top my job due to lack of motivation wich you guessed it had to do with my mental health. I have no recovered socially to this day i only have 2 friends i go out with seperately and one of those friends is a very loyal and respectful friend but it also seems like we are very slowly drifting apart due to growing up and changing. The other one tho i have after the breakup but we are still working on becoming closer. My life is very lonely, i struggle with anxiety and insecurity. My autism makes it hard for me to function properly in this society, i have convinced myself that people only like me if i can let them walk over me. I have isolated myself a lot ever since that summer even if i got back together with my pwBPD i feel so alone. I still think my gf is the only person who knows the most about me and yet i don't feel that connection of feeling known and understood. When i open up about my life or past she does listen and show that she cares but i don't really feel it so much. I feel relieved by telling her this because i trust her with the things i say. I think she is very sweet and fun to hangout with apart from her negative sides but the bad outweighs the good in her. I try my best to see her for who she intends to be and i know she is a sweet soul who has only been damaged my people but i deserve better. I feel like i cannot leave her again or talk to anybody about my rs problems because of guilt, loneliness and i feel like none of the people in my life can help me. I learned that at the end of the day you only have urself but i cannot handle having to spend months on my own surviving each day. Being in this rs keeps me more sane than facing the fact everyday that i'm a unstable loser who barely has anyone that cares about him. I am so used to chaos that peace feels like poison. If i leave her i also keep thinking about what she could be doing to herself and maybe even worse iykwim. But i couldn't handle that thought, last time we broke up she had 1 friend and she also admitted she talked to multiple guys without romantic interest because it distracted her from the breakup. I had lost my mind, i couldn't even enjoy my vacation with family without the though of loneliness being pushed in my face. Right now i feel like i have lost all motivation for her, everything during long distance feels like a chore i don't even feel like doing anything with her anymore but in real life i enjoy her presence more. What bums me out is that she doesn't meet my love language expectations wich is physical touch like hugging, kissing, holding her playing with her hair etc.. because of it "overwhelming" her. (our intimate life is also weak but i try to be understanding since she had to go through SA also her libido being low in general so it doesn't affect me that much) Sometimes i wish we would be intimate more but at this point i stopped caring about expecting anything from her. I feel like i offer a thousent times more than she does in this relationship. I feel more like a unhealthy father figure than a boyfriend most of the time. I find myself wanting a lot of reassurance and affection (espcially physical touch) but not getting any or not getting enough. She tells me she does her best in this rs and i believe in that but i can't help but feel like i can't take it anymore lots of times. I have told her that multiple times but i have no choice but to calm down and moving on. I have tried talking to friends and old friends before the breakup but they all said i should break up and that this is not healthy. When we got back together i never intented to show or talk about any struggle to my friends or on social media. As far as i'm concerned everyone that is aware of my relationship thinks everything is fixed and way better but truth is i'm slowly suffocating and talking about it to anyone is not gonna help because either some won't understand or i will get the same advice wich i don't want to hear. I know my girlfriend doesn't mean to make my life hard, she does love me i can tell by a lot of things she has done for me and how much she has improved wich i am not gonna include she just struggles very hard and her life has made her incredibly mentally unstable, i am so aware of her feelings and thoughts than i can never ever hate her, she just wants a break from how her life feels and she can't ever catch a break i wish she didn't have to go through these struggles. maybe after reading this you would think otherwise but she she really can't control how she treats me because she "splits" very frequently i do love her still although i feel very numb and full of resentment. I can't include everything that happened to me but i sure am not doing good and no option is gonna be any good for me. I am trapped and i am trying to brush it off as much as i can. My life really sucks and the only love i get romantically comes with sacrifice wich is not even worth it but i have no choice. I care too much about how she feels and i just let her put herself above me at all times. She keeps wishing me to change wich is primarily raising my voice/yelling/cussing but also breaking those unimportant promises she made me say. Sometimes i wish i could be loved unconditionally and my life working in my favor, this relationship is also partially why my life has been a big struggle the past 2 years. I know this is a lot to read but i felt like opening up to anyone because i just can't do this anymore. Much appreciation to whoever reads this. Also i wanna mention that bpd does not make someone unloveable or evil, my girlfriend is a real human being with feelings and good intentions even if she can't express that. She may not know how to be in a relationship but i do care about my sweet girl.