Seriously considering getting divorced and looking for some advice.
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Hi everyone. I'm looking for some outside perspective because I've been going around in circles with this for a long time, sorry this will be a long one!
I'm 44, nearly 45, male, in the uk, with a good career in IT. My wife and I have lived together for almost ten years and have been married for four. We don't have children.
My wife has severe ME, fibromyalgia, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, ADHD and anorexia. When we met, I was aware of the ME and fibromyalgia, but not the other conditions.
She has never been able to work during our relationship, but when we first got together her health was considerably better. We could occasionally go out and do things together, and she was mostly able to look after herself.
As her health has deteriorated, our relationship has gradually changed. I've moved to working completely from home, partly so I can be there, and I've increasingly become her carer. If she needs to leave the house, I generally have to be involved, and she now needs substantially more help at home as well.
Initially I thought we could make the arrangement work. We genuinely clicked, had chemistry and loved each other. I was happy to be the financial provider while she contributed what she could around the house. Over time, though, she's become less and less able to do any of that.The difficult part is what this has done to how I see her and the relationship.
We don't really fight and there isn't some dramatic toxic relationship that makes the decision obvious. But I've been emotionally distancing myself more and more. There's very little romance left, and I rarely want to have sex with her despite still thinking she's a very attractive woman. When I look at her, I increasingly see someone I'm responsible for caring for rather than my romantic partner.
For some context I've been thinking seriously about leaving for roughly the last two years now.
Recently I went away to a music festival without her. I ended up kissing another woman who was very interested in me, although it didn't go any further than that and the woman herself isn't someone I actually want a relationship with, but it really shined a light on how unhappy I am and what do I want with the rest of the time I've got here.
The biggest reason I feel trapped is what leaving might actually do to my wife.
She is extremely dependent on me both practically and financially, though her parents are healthy and can help help her in my absence. She has only state benefits in her own name and has repeatedly said things along the lines of her probably killing herself if she didn't have me, this obviously is concerning and traumatic for me as I still care a lot about her.
Financially, I've supported us throughout the relationship, she hasn't paid for any bills or contributed to the mortgage . I own our house outright and have no mortgage, with only a few thousand pounds of credit-card debt. We do not have any shared accounts
Part of my fear is also practical: I don't know what divorce would mean financially, whether I could potentially lose or have to sell the house, or what would happen to her housing and care if we separated.
I'm really torn between walking and starting again and what will happen if we divorce.
I'd particularly appreciate hearing from anyone who has been the healthy partner/carer in a relationship involving severe chronic illness or mental illness, or anyone who has separated from a partner who was heavily dependent on them, the whole idea terrifies me.
I'd also be interested in hearing from anyone familiar with divorce in England where one spouse is disabled, financially dependent and unable to work, because the practical consequences are one of the things making this feel impossible.
Thanks for reading