r/divorceuk

Hello, first time here.
How do people cope with this? I’m getting a divorce, and everything I am or have become was a family man, a loving husband, and devoted my life to my other half.

Now I’m having an identity crisis. Everything I am and was was this loving husband who adapted and moulded to the situation and my wife and kids at every step of the way. Now I feel this has just been pulled out from underneath me and I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t want another family, I don’t want to be with someone else, but I don’t want to be alone.

Having tens of thousands of photos on my phone with my wife and kids, everything reminds me of that happy marriage that was going to last for eternity, is suddenly a distant memory. Now I feel like I’m nothing and no one.

Please help me, how do I cope? How have you coped?

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Hi everyone. I'm looking for some outside perspective because I've been going around in circles with this for a long time, sorry this will be a long one!

I'm 44, nearly 45, male, in the uk, with a good career in IT. My wife and I have lived together for almost ten years and have been married for four. We don't have children.

My wife has severe ME, fibromyalgia, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, ADHD and anorexia. When we met, I was aware of the ME and fibromyalgia, but not the other conditions.

She has never been able to work during our relationship, but when we first got together her health was considerably better. We could occasionally go out and do things together, and she was mostly able to look after herself.

As her health has deteriorated, our relationship has gradually changed. I've moved to working completely from home, partly so I can be there, and I've increasingly become her carer. If she needs to leave the house, I generally have to be involved, and she now needs substantially more help at home as well.

Initially I thought we could make the arrangement work. We genuinely clicked, had chemistry and loved each other. I was happy to be the financial provider while she contributed what she could around the house. Over time, though, she's become less and less able to do any of that.The difficult part is what this has done to how I see her and the relationship.

We don't really fight and there isn't some dramatic toxic relationship that makes the decision obvious. But I've been emotionally distancing myself more and more. There's very little romance left, and I rarely want to have sex with her despite still thinking she's a very attractive woman. When I look at her, I increasingly see someone I'm responsible for caring for rather than my romantic partner.

For some context I've been thinking seriously about leaving for roughly the last two years now.

Recently I went away to a music festival without her. I ended up kissing another woman who was very interested in me, although it didn't go any further than that and the woman herself isn't someone I actually want a relationship with, but it really shined a light on how unhappy I am and what do I want with the rest of the time I've got here.

The biggest reason I feel trapped is what leaving might actually do to my wife.

She is extremely dependent on me both practically and financially, though her parents are healthy and can help help her in my absence. She has only state benefits in her own name and has repeatedly said things along the lines of her probably killing herself if she didn't have me, this obviously is concerning and traumatic for me as I still care a lot about her.

Financially, I've supported us throughout the relationship, she hasn't paid for any bills or contributed to the mortgage . I own our house outright and have no mortgage, with only a few thousand pounds of credit-card debt. We do not have any shared accounts

Part of my fear is also practical: I don't know what divorce would mean financially, whether I could potentially lose or have to sell the house, or what would happen to her housing and care if we separated.

I'm really torn between walking and starting again and what will happen if we divorce.

I'd particularly appreciate hearing from anyone who has been the healthy partner/carer in a relationship involving severe chronic illness or mental illness, or anyone who has separated from a partner who was heavily dependent on them, the whole idea terrifies me.

I'd also be interested in hearing from anyone familiar with divorce in England where one spouse is disabled, financially dependent and unable to work, because the practical consequences are one of the things making this feel impossible.

Thanks for reading

Looking for perspectives/anecdotal experiences from anyone who’s been through something similar. I’m in England/Wales.

My ex and I separated after around 13 years together, 10 of which we were married. We have two children and have been co-parenting them equally and amicably since separation.

At separation, we agreed a financial split between ourselves. The main assets were the family home and our pensions. The house equity was split 50/50 as were our joint savings and the broad agreement was that we would each retain our own pensions. We reached the agreement amicably and in good faith.

I do earn more than my ex (£120k vs. £90k) but between separation and divorce (we divorced pretty quickly but I suggested waiting until I had a new job before applying for a consent order so the figures looked more balanced) was made redundant and had to completely obliterate my savings for a year before finding a new job to pay the mortgage and look after my children. Not once did I ask for any help from my ex during this time. Meanwhile my ex retained the savings we had split on separation. I do have a new job now which by coincidence is the same salary as my previous one minus the bonus.

Because I earned and earn more than my ex, I was comfortable with the original arrangement.m because previous job also had a significant bonus structure which offset the substantial pension. Meanwhile my current job doesn’t. The original agreement was made before that my job loss and, ethically, I don’t want that to unfairly disadvantage my ex.

I would though, note that pending the sale our marital home, my ex’s parents ‘loaned’ the money to fund the deposit of my ex’s next home and it’s not clear whether this was repaid. Also following submission of our consent application my ex let me know she planned at some point to move in with a new partner which wasn’t disclosed but understand may be considered relevant.

The judge has refused to approve our Consent Order and has specifically said that the settlement appears unfair to me and that I should obtain independent legal advice.

The issue seems to be the pensions. Very roughly, my pension is currently worth around £50k and my ex’s is around £100k; a public sector defined-benefit pension, whereas mine is a defined-contribution pension, so I appreciate that the headline values aren’t necessarily directly comparable. I also don’t yet have the full breakdown of how much of my ex’s pension accrued before and during the marriage, although I believe most of it was accrued during the marriage.

The judge’s intervention has nevertheless made me reconsider whether simply keeping our own pensions is actually fair based on all the circumstances.

I’m wondering whether pension offsetting might be a sensible solution — essentially, my ex retains full public-sector pension and I receive some additional cash in recognition of the pension imbalance, rather than doing a pension-sharing order. Without reference of course to this being a very uncomfortable conversation all round.

If you take the very simplistic figures of £100k versus £50k, the difference is £50k. Equalising those headline figures would imply a £25k transfer. But I appreciate that’s probably far too simplistic given the different types of pension, the fact that cash is available now whereas pension isn’t, and the fact that her DB pension provides a guaranteed income.

I’ve got a consultation with a solicitor but would welcome any relevant insight and perspective.

My husband and I have been married 20 years, together 25. We've had a hell of a lot of stress in that time and its getting to the point we need to split.

We've no kids together but are very financially tied to one another. I want to keep the house but can't see how as I'll need to buy him out.

I earn a good salary and could cope with the monthly bills on my own, its the buyout thats the sticking point.

Other assets include a car which he can keep (roughly £17k value) and we have pensions which are quite substantial.

Mortgage is around £140k outstanding, value of the house around £300k.

Has anyone been in a similar position and successfully kept their house and navigated the separation without all hell breaking loose??

Hi All,

I have received notification that my wife has applied for a solo divorce and also wishes to apply for an financial order.

I have until the 10th August to reply to the initial email. I do not disagree with the divorce so should I do the first part and acknolodge the request from my side ?

What would be the next steps, im presuming some legal advice is seeked with regards to the financials (theres no children or property involved, she has the car, dog and household furniture/appliances etc). Financial wise we both contributed monthly into a joint account for rent/food shopping etc while also operating seperate bank accounts for daily spending

During the seperation period (nearly a year) I moved into rented accommodation and purchased goods etc myself, I believe she has bought a property during this time - will this all need taking into account?

Many thanks

I’ll aim to keep this brief.

My wife and I have been separated for a year now, her decision not mine. She has finally applied for the divorce and I have to respond. I know I can’t contest anything but I am flummoxed on a question that it has asked me to respond to.

After going through various pages, I get this:
“Do you intend to ask the court to delay the divorce until it is satisfied with your financial situation?”

Yes or no.

If I select “Yes” I have to fill form B.

I’m confused by all of this. My main intention is to protect my own interests regarding finances etc. I can’t move on without some guarantees, my wife comes from a more privileged position and housing after the divorce will be a non-issue for them.

I’ve tried to call through for support, however, they can’t advise me. Support through Court said I can put a “Stay” after the decree order has been pronounced which is similar to answering “Yes” to the question above.

I have reached out for legal aid too but I need to respond in full by Wednesday. Can anyone provide some further guidance?
Thanks.