33M need advice on 31F open relationship.
TL;DR and reason for posting here at the bottom.
Backstory:
Hi there, I vowed to never post on one of these Reddit pages again because I didn’t agree with the advice and it all worked out in the end. I’ve been in a relationship with the same partner for 14 years. We were engaged, for 5 years now, I think. She wanted to elope and I want her to have the biggest ceremony we can. We had the money at one point but opted to get a house instead of staying in an apartment. Things were good. We have had a multitude of issues like any couple for this amount of time but we have pulled through and become stronger because of it. It was up and down but never stepped into “splitting up territory for around 10 years now”. She and I worked at the same place for a couple years Female- 2 years, myself- 12 long years. August of last year she was fired and I was forced out because it was “that job, or her kind of thing” they basically forced me to withdraw my retirement and leave is the short version.
Recent events:
She and I were both unemployed and drawing benefits for around 5 months. She was actively seeking, I was (at this time) planning to go back and so I was waiting for my layoff to end. She found a job, I am living on my retirement basically now.
What happened:
We both play mmo videogames together she had a guy in her discord dm’s who was getting overly sexual and she told me he was making unwanted advances. So, she had the thought of just deleting the messages, but we have had issues in the past with her doing this and she has actively been unfaithful on 3 different occasions in our relationship. She opted to be honest with me, so I took it extremely well and said to just give him the ground rules and tell him you aren’t interested. All goes fine well a few days later it turns out that she sexted him with me sleeping on the couch right next to her. This explanation was a lot more accusatory like “I should be fine with it” “she just used him as a sex toy, it’s not a big deal” “why am I hurt it’s totally fine?”. Come to find out, she doesn’t feel appreciated and ugly. I have been depressed too long losing my job of 12 years. Basically, she has moved on and can’t understand why I won’t move on and my depression has been making me neglect her. I agree in the last 8 months I have been argumentative and depressed. I have been neglectful at times. Now, I have reviewed myself and I will do better on my part. She won’t believe me, I have changed so much to her benefit in this relationship every time we came to a crossroads I bent over backwards to change. Opiate addiction, gone (sober for 8 years) fitness, I am 6’2 220 lb’s I started working out because I didn’t want her to find me unattractive, (let it slip a little in my depression 239lbs now :/), being more caring, done I am giving her massages for her tired muscles probably once a month I hug her and ask how her day went every day. I sleep in her bed and make sure her needs are met. She, however has yet to make any big changes, she is 5’4 189-200lbs, still needs her to be right in every argument regardless of how much I want to split the responsibility. Now, because of this most recent act of unfaithfulness, she gave me an ultimatum open the relationship and be okay with her doing anything she wants or end the relationship. I opted for the open relationship because I don’t want to lose everything we have. We have a son, 11M, I sold my house and moved my entire life to her grandparents house when they died for her. I have pushed all of my family and friends out because they aren’t okay with her. I have nowhere else to go. My retirement is almost gone, I’ll have enough to get a job but not enough to live on while I rebuild, I think she knows this and wants me to stay just in case she decides to close the relationship again and move forward fully together. She has made it clear if she doesn’t like what I am doing during this period of it being open she will bring in someone else and I’m out if I don’t like it. I can stay even when she has someone else but if I can’t be looking like I’m in pain all the time. It’s been 2 days and I am supposed to fake it until i can make it look like it doesn’t hurt around her.
Advice I need:
I don’t have anyone else to talk to about this all of my friends and family know her, she doesn’t want anyone to know because they might think she is no good for me, so here I am, asking complete strangers on the internet, what would you do? If you had this relationship with our backstory would you keep working on things? Would you rebuild again? I have made a lot of mistakes the last 8 months and I do need to change, I just needed support until I was on my feet. I love this woman still and she is giving me hope for the future like a little trail of treats. I’m not in my right mind maybe you guys can help me see clearly.
TL;DR if you need it:
Fiance has a history of being unfaithful, requires I be faithful at all times, has become unfaithful again, wants to open the relationship, already has a partner picked out. I need to change everything about myself and recommit to her while she does what she wants to “find herself”, or I can kick rocks. I want to stay, she wants to stay, she wants relationship open, I want it closed and am not interested in other women, even though I am allowed to wander now. I have thought about dating apps maybe finding someone to talk to but I’ll start here first. I can’t do this alone and she is t really taking my opinions at the moment. It’s what she wants. What do?
(Tried posting in r/relationship advice but they aren’t cool with any form of non-monogamy, I guess. Even though, I feel it fits their subreddit better but whatever. Sorry if this is a bad spot I just need outsider perspective I’m dying for some opinions that aren’t biased)
For the nonmenog folks out there:
I do have a question more up your alley, is there any chance for me to stay committed while letting her experiment? Or would I need to participate in order to even have a chance at this working in your opinion? If so, how’d you make it work to start. The fear of what-if seems to be hurting me the most at the moment.