Coparenting with a Homophobe
There is so much nuance and back story to this situation that I would be here all day typing it all out so I am just going to cut to the chase— and even that is probably going to be long.
I am female in a relationship for 1 year with another woman who has a 7 year old daughter from a prior marriage to a man. We are planning to get married next year. I adore both of them and her 7 year old daughter is the light of my life and I cannot wait to be her step momma. I have a great relationship with her.
But— the ex husband is a complete dick (long history of psychological abuse and gaslighting during my partner’s contentious divorce) and the idea of having to share our girl with him for the next 11 years is causing me so much anxiety.
Particularly this last week partner received an email from him about how he was angry that we took a 7 year old to a local pride event and didn’t think that it was age appropriate to take her to events promoting “sexuality.” The event we took her to was a family friendly event. My partner responded very clearly, calmly and succinctly that as her mother (who also has a masters degree in early childhood education she always considers the age appropriateness of the things we take her to but was not going to exclude her from events that teach her kindness and inclusion. We ended up taking her to another pride event this weekend (also family friendly) and answered all her questions in an age appropriate manner.
He ended up responding with “it is difficult for me to see her placed in environments that celebrate things I do not agree she should be exposed to” and “will continue to teach her my values in my home in an age-appropriate way. I hope moving forward we can both be mindful of how these contrasting environments affect her, and work to keep her out of the middle of our differing worldviews. I in no means mean this in any hateful way, and I hope you can understand my reservations and viewpoints.”
Which yeah, in email form doesn’t seem that bad but I know this man and the psychological damage he inflicted on my partner.. so I really view this as politely masked homophobia.
We had a chat with our 7 year old before going to pride this weekend about why pride was important and that there were people out there that still don’t accept our relationship or relationships that look different and that sometimes those people might be someone in your family or someone you view as a friend and that she does not have to defend us to anyone.
I worry so much about what she is being told at his house not only about lgbtq people.
Anyone else have any experience in this situation? I cannot control what goes on with her Dad, but how do you deconstruct any negative ideas that might be being talked about over there?