u/Gaudalier

Ive always felt it in my bones that the point of my existence is only to give and never to receive, so on the logic layer I feel fine providing and fixing everything for other people without receiving anything in return... to the point I will deny or sabotage offers that would benefit me or help me, if possible. I just struggle to make my feelings or physical sensations catch up with that, I feel a deep loneliness in me especially since ive been going almost three decades (i.e. my entire life) without proper connection and especially no real love or care. The last time ive had any sort of physical touch was almost 10 years ago as well, and it wasnt even anything intimate. Thats entirely my fault though, ive had chances that I simply havent allowed myself to indulge in. How do I detach myself from the need for love and touch? Im very sure im not deserving of love and that I wasnt meant for it, so please dont try to tell me I should seek it out. I want to know how to completely sever the desire for it, because it would feel wrong and out of place for me to let myself indulge. Thank you.

I come from a very unloving and passive household, which has been responsible for most of the issues ive ever had regarding my handling of social matters and other people. On an emotional layer I know that the way I was treated has no bearing on my person and my purpose for being in this world, but on the reasonable or "desperately trying to explain everything in my life" layer I cant get over the idea that I shouldnt be allowed an existence if the people who made it happen in the first place didnt love me. With the added fact, that the child my mother was pregnant with before me was aborted. Clearly there was some importance or justification attributed to my birth considering I didnt meet the same fate, just for me to be unloved and uncared for once I was actually breathing.

I think this wouldntve even been such a problem for me, had I had some other source of comfort throughout my life. This is my fully my own mistake though, ive never allowed it and still dont continue to. I feel it wouldnt be right to let my presence "happen" to anyone, im too complicated and I dont contribute anything that would make the hassle worth it. But as it is, ive been unloved my entire life and I dont know how to justify that, or rather how to justify my continued living. Im not at all a believer of the idea that our worth depends on what other people make of it, but the purpose of humanity is to fuel each other and push each other forward.... I know my purpose lies in this but I struggle with getting a start on this when my entire life has made it seem like I shouldntve even been born.

Does anyone understand my line of thought? If one were to tell me the same things ive been saying I would also claim the justification of their existence lies in whatever they make of it, and that no one can decide it for them. So why cant I feel the same for me? And how do I Start feeling the same for me?

I recently started L-Thyroxine treatment and am beginning to feel the effects of it, though im in the messy dosage adjustment state of course. Theres been a worry/question on my mind for a while, I would like to find out what I can expect from this treatment, if anyone wants to indulge me.

I have very good reason to believe ive been dealing with Hypo for most of my life, even since my childhood. My late mother has been struggling with Hashimotos even before I was born, and (in hindsight) around the ages of 7 to 8 ive started developing a lot of the same symptoms that shes been struggling with, just in a milder form. Ive had a lifelong depression with many other mental problems resulting from it, that ive never been able to treat no matter how intense the medication or therapy or etc etc was. It always felt like there was a blockade, inside me, and that nothing can get past it. I dont want to go into why or how my hypo has been undiscovered or untested for so long, a lot of different factors play into it.

My question is; considering ive spent most of my developmental years and everything including my teenage years up until my mid 20s in a depressed and detached state, and am therefore lacking in a lot of mental development, how much can the treatment even do for me anymore?

I know the brain continues to develop well past its young years, but ive actually... missed out on so much mental and social stimulation. Im actually worried its unfixable now, because how am I going to recreate the learning state of my brain back then? I only ever read about how the treatment helps people After their personality has changed due to hypo, and that its effective there. But ive never had any other "personality", I didnt go through a personality change since I wasnt even really able to develop one myself. Theres no normal for me to return to, since I never even got a normal. Will it still help me, or am I stuck like this?