u/Gayblondee

i was in a situationship with a AP for 6 months and the love bombing was constant on his end, so much that i didn’t think it was love bombing i thought he’s just anxious. 1 week before the discard his personality morphed and he monkey-branched and devaluated me and didn’t tell me there was someone else and instead baited me into a fight by provoking my triggers (he never did that before) and blamed everything on me and discarded, we later met at a cafe for closure and i let him lie to my face before i told him i knew the truth and the mask slipped and he was so cruel then blocked me. OFC this is where i got attached because he was no longer overwhelmingly anxiously attached and literally abandoned me , and i was Locked in my anxious activation for months (ugh) . now it didn’t occur to me that he might have narc traits until at least 4 months post breakup because i wanted him to be good and pure but there were so many incoherences and betrayals that i kept finding out (coverttttt narccc) - some days i think i was abused, other days i think i was the abuser, i don’t know if this fog is part of the abuse inflicted on me or is it because of my attachment style : i learned that FAs have a distorted view of the self and of others + our emotions and our rationalization are not integrated which means we swing back and forth between poles and we no longer relate to the other pole ; and that’s making it so hard for me to map my experience. sometimes i think well maybe i was the narcissist because of the hot and cold that can be perceived as love bombing then devaluation, although i know that i don’t do that for the sake of gaining power over my partner. his behaviour at the end seemed unnecessarily cruel and he was kicking me when i was down and gaining a sense of self validation and self worth from my suffering. or am i an unreliable narrator because of my attachment style ? or is that confusion and doubt of my own reality proof of the abuse ? or is that my OCD meta-doubting everything ? HELP