Me (20F) and my bf (29M) have been together for nearly 3 years.
Throughout our relationship, I noticed a cycle. When we lived together, we would have amazing periods, then I would do something (whether it’s say a joke that made him upset, or not massage him enough) and he would get super angry, harass me for hours, scream at me and twist my words, saying I’m mentally ill, annoying, and that he will leave. I ended up screaming and begging. Afterwards, he would get sweet (never apologise) and just ask to cuddle, and it would go back to normal. I would never say anything bad about his behaviour or how hurt I felt because I felt so relieved that he would even give me another chance. Therefore, for the first 2 years of our relationship, I ended up feeling guilty as I believed everything was my fault. However, during the periods of calm, he would always talk about psychology and wanting to help me love myself and feel more secure (which he has done, and has been super supportive throughout my degree).
Since September, we’ve had to live apart (in different counties) and I noticed the cycle start to repeat: I would send a text message he didn’t like, whether it be asking for reassurance; not replying fast enough whilst at an academic event; having an off tone, and he would then blow up and interrogate me, saying awful things about my character and I would subsequently apologise and spam call him (he’d never answer) and he’d never stop the harassment until he could sense he pushed me to my limit. Luckily, this does not occur so frequently anymore. He has been claiming that he has been meditating and has full control of his mind, and seems to really try to ‘prove’ to me that he is a changed man. Last night, for the first time, I didn’t engage with his nastiness and turned my phone off decided to go to bed. I was pondering our relationship, and I was wondering how bad he treats me, as he has objectively done so many lovely and supportive things for me, yet tears me down over nothing.
I have only ever told him once that the way he treats me makes me feel hurt, which he said was my fault since I’m ‘training him to be like that’ by never saying anything back. I really love him and don’t want to believe that he perhaps doesn’t love me as much as I think he does, as he really does make me feel special when he’s not mad :(