Sharing my experience as someone who is possibly neurodivergent
I want to start this by saying in no way am I trying to self diagnose but there are reasons I speculate I have autism. To begin I have been diagnosed with adhd but haven’t tried to get a diagnostic for autism mainly with the reason of my family or others perceiving me differently. As a young boy many people would call me autistic as a joke as I wasn’t masking inherently as much and I would visibly stim which would get back at times. Not to sound edgy or corny but I genuinely do not think I have portrayed my true self since I was 7 (10 years ago). It’s almost as if I have masked myself to fit into society today completely (interests, fashion, mannerisms, sexuality, beliefs, etc) and it has worked with no issues. I feel that if I do have autism it is on the higher functioning end but I have always struggled with social interactions and interpretations. People may label me as quiet or “nonchalant” cause I get overstimulated in big social settings and I tend not to be able to mask properly or respond in accordance to social norms so i usually go almost mute, similar with when I am smoking weed I get sensory issues and tend to stim way more so I just make myself not move or say anything. I know this post is very random and weird but I wanted to share my experience and possibly find others who have masked as neurotypical people without being discovered. In no way am I saying that people who don’t mask or want to fit societal norms are weird or any less but I have always been sensitive to any “bad” perception of me and cannot fathom people treating me different especially my family or friends it would just feel off and not genuine. Another thing I’ve noticed is as I am empathetic to some degree, I tend to not acknowledge issues to their degree. To elaborate I can fake comfort someone but if it doesn’t interest or affect me in any way it’s not something i actually care about and if I’m being honest matters whatsoever to me. I may sound horrible for saying that but it’s true and people think I am very respectful and understanding which I will continue to portray. I just wish there was a cure or something. I don’t think if I actually talked about this to anyone irl they would understand. And although I am not happy with my life I feel it would get worse if I stopped masking and people saw the real me. Well atp I don’t even know who the real me is but I’ve almost faked my life to achieve better social standings, connections, and my public image. I think the only reason I have been able to mask so well is cause I’m very perceptive and I pay attention to what others do and how they act and copy it essentially to some degree while incorporating others actions as well. Lastly if anyone is thinking I am self diagnosing there are many other factors I could list but I am very sure. And I was wondering if there were any other ppl like me.