I hate how socially awkward I am
It's such a difficult thing for me to make friends. For a person who likes being with somebody and talking to someone, I don't have many friends.
When I try to make friends, I look stupid, I sound cringe, and apparently I look judgmental. I really try my best to make friends with my classmates, but I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm so desperate that I bought a watch just so someone would talk to me and ask for the time. Holy shit, I sound so pathetic.
The thing with basically having no friends is that nobody really has your back. Last school year, a group of friends in my class used my name as a group chat nickname for one of them, mocking me. Best believe I cried myself to sleep that night.
The thing is, in our school, whoever were your classmates last year are your classmates this year too. Yesterday was our third day of school, and after soon-to-be two years of knowing each other, goddamn, I still felt like an outcast. Everybody was talking around me, inviting each other out after class, talking about our new teachers, and everything else. I wanted so badly to have a person to talk to in that classroom, but I just can't.
I don't want to embarrass myself, and I'm scared to talk to them especially considering what I found out last year. They all already have their own circles, and yeah.
I don't know why I'm like this. If I could beat this thing out of myself, I would.
I want to be an extroverted person. I want friends. I want people to hang out with me during school events because I dread school events where there aren't assigned seats. It's even worse because my school closes down classrooms, so the students walk around campus, buy stuff from clubs, and hang out with their friends. Meanwhile, I just end up sitting on a bench and watching Netflix on my phone the whole time.
Whenever I try to be even the slightest bit of a non-socially awkward person, it's like those cartoon animations where a character is walking confidently, looks down, and suddenly falls into the void.
I'm not telling this as a pity party. I low-key just need help with this crippling problem of mine that has lasted ever since I got bullied back in 5th grade. Keep in mind, I'm a senior in high school. I fear this will never leave me, and I hate that thought because I genuinely can't stand living like this.
I'm trying to be better, but nothing is working. Lately, I've been so done with it that I've started looking toward looksmaxxing because I've been getting the thought that maybe it's my looks that aren't working. Maybe they think I'm ugly or something, hence why nobody talks to me.
I sound like a pity party right now, but I genuinely just need to vent out this feeling because earlier I was biting my cheek to keep myself from crying. I dreaded spending seven hours in a room where nobody looks at me or talks to me unless they need something from me.
Anyway, bullying is bad, guys. It messes people up. ✌🏻 (I'm sorry for any mistakes on grammar and punctuation)