u/Gekuron_Matrix

TLDR:

My girlfriend cheated on me for an extended period of time after I suggested that she should lose some weight while I'll hit the gym. Unbeknownst to me, weight was a deeply traumatizing topic for her. She experienced several tearful breakdowns afterward and allowed herself to regularly cheat on me through sexting as a way to cope with her emotions. She couldn't bear the feeling that I had “rejected her body.” I suspected I was bringing up a difficult subject, but I never expected to witness such deep trauma or such an explosive reaction. We never really talked about it, and when we did, it severely damaged our relationship. I'm not sure what to do about it, although I feel like too much damage has been done to both of us.

EVENTS: (in chapters)

Trust issues (long before talking about weight)

My ex texted me and basically proposed that we get back together. I told my girlfriend about it that very same day. She told me not only to say goodbye, but also to make it absolutely clear that I couldn’t keep talking to my ex at all. I thought that made perfect sense in a loyal relationship, so I did exactly that. I politely asked her to do the same with her ex. Unbeknownst to me at the time, there were two other guys she had been talking to in the meantime. They weren’t actually her exes; rather, they were casual sex partners she had known long before our relationship started. I was aware that one of them existed, but my girlfriend had explicitly told me on multiple occasions that she had NEVER had anything sexual with him. While she was in a relationship with me, she received a dick pic from him (he’s married, by the way) and never told me about it. There were also times when she asked me if I was okay with her texting him, and I said yes because I believed they were just friends.

Talking about weight (8 months after we started our relationship)

I went to bed really late that day, exhausted from working severe overtime for three days straight. She was waiting for me in bed. She started talking about her low self-esteem and how some people — her mom in particular — believed that “she doesn’t deserve me.” At that point, I made a very stupid mistake and, for some reason, decided that this was the moment to talk about it. I told her that she should try losing some weight. I said that she would regain her self-esteem, I would join her by going to the gym, I would be happier with her body, and she would be happier with mine. What followed was an explosive breakdown that I never expected. As it turned out, weight was a VERY traumatizing topic for her. She broke down in tears, furious at me, and forbade me from touching her in any way. I was taken aback, shocked to see my partner push me away so aggressively. We had never had arguments this serious before. Horrified by what had just happened, I tried everything I could to calm her down, but nothing worked — it only made her angrier. Realizing that I might have just destroyed our relationship, I broke down as well. Both of us cried all night. She was supposed to work that day. In the morning, I bought her a bouquet of flowers and transferred her the money she would have earned that day. I wanted to do something to make her feel better. As it later turned out, one of her male friends mocked me as a “weakling” for not having transferred enough money.

After the weight incident

We made up and started dieting together, but she continued to have regular tearful breakdowns once or twice a month. On multiple occasions, I told her, “You don’t have to lose weight. It’s really not important. Let’s forget about it. It was just a thought, and I want to be with you forever no matter what,” but it didn’t work. I couldn’t take it back, and she wouldn’t believe me. Every once in a while, something would remind her of my suggestion, and another uncontrollable breakdown would soon follow. As it later turned out, her mom had told her the same thing about her weight, which stressed her even more. In the meantime, unbeknownst to me, she let go of her boundaries and allowed herself to cheat on me as a way to cope with her emotions. She started fully reconnecting with previous casual sex partners she had never told me about. She sent nude photos and very explicit messages to those guys, and sexting with one of them continued regularly for months after the incident, eventually becoming a habit that fulfilled desires I wasn’t always in the mood to satisfy. Nude photos that were originally meant for me as a Valentine’s gift were also sent directly to that other guy.

Suspicion and cheating Reveal

My suspicions began when her male friend — the guy who had sent her a dick pic some time earlier — started texting her regularly. She told me about it herself. I kept asking her the same questions over and over again: “Why is he texting you so often? Did you two have something going on before you met me? Was there really nothing between you?” And every time, I got the same response: “No, there was never anything between us. We’re just good friends. You’re overreacting.” At that point, I realized that something wasn’t right. Some time later, she forgot to log out, and I saw the chat.

Confrontation

After I told her everything, she had a serious breakdown, desperately hoping that I wouldn’t leave her. She said she was very sorry, that she should have sought help from a psychologist, and that this would never happen again. Before confronting her, I had been absolutely certain that I was going to break up with her, and I had even made certain arrangements. But after seeing her break down in tears once again, begging for our relationship to survive, I just couldn’t bring myself to say it. She still meant a great deal to me, and I couldn’t bear to watch her fall apart like that. I started giving her reassuring words as I tried to calm her down, even though I wasn’t truly certain about the things I was saying. I didn’t really know what I should do. I just hoped for some kind of miracle and tried to convince myself that everything would eventually be alright.

Sometime after the confrontation

She has been trying very hard to preserve our relationship. She puts on makeup just for me when we watch movies at home. She wears her best dresses and leaves romantic notes for me to read after work. It’s very touching. It seems like she truly wants to build a future together with me, and it's such a petty things turned out this way. She is now taking Ozempic, which was her own idea. I’m regularly going to the gym as well. Both of us are seeing progress, but at what cost? Why did it have to happen like this?

My indecisiveness

I’m now extremely indecisive. Her actions have split me exactly 50/50. On one hand, I don’t want to continue this relationship after such a display of character. To me, this was a complete betrayal of trust, and staying true to my principles matters a lot. On the other hand, I’m still drawn to her, and I still love her. I feel torn apart between rational and emotional thoughts: “I absolutely need to move on” versus “I want to stay with her.” Making decisions like this has always been a major weakness of mine, and I’m aware of that. My indecisiveness has been poisoning our relationship ever since I confronted her. She’s trying to fix things while receiving mixed messages from me, while I remain paralyzed and uncertain about what to do next. I understand that cheating in this way became her coping mechanism. If it had happened only a few times during breakdowns, I think I could eventually let it go. But the fact that trust had already been breached long before we ever talked about her weight — and the fact that the sexting became such a regular occurrence afterward (until she got cough) — really undermines my attempts to move past it. What do you people think we should do?