My boyfriend (31M) and I (30F) been together for 2 years. He is my best friend and I am truly in love with him, but I discovered he has been consistently lying to me and crossing a boundary that he helped set and now I don't know what to do.
He stated from day one that he was not okay with porn, which was fine for me because I'm against it while in a committed relationship. He has also made it clear that he is not comfortable with me making comments about other men or having celebrity crushes, etc. This is easy for me because I am weird and don't have celebrity crushes or idolize famous people, and I also think it's disrespectful to fawn over anyone other than your partner. (Finding others attractive is one thing but making your partner feel less than because of it is not okay.) So we agreed on that.
He has gotten angry with me many times over the 2 years and accused me of different things that I've never done like smiling at other guys (I laughed at something a guy said in a conversation that my boyfriend was in with me and he was also laughing.) He said, "if that's how you act when I'm standing right next to you, I don't even want to know what you do when I'm not around." I also work in a blue collar field so I have to interact with a lot of guys for my job, and he accused me of wearing underwear that was too sexy and why would I be wearing that to work (obviously no one ever sees it but me and him, and i wore it because he was coming over after i got out of work.) He has accused me of texting with my phone facing away from him or texting people late at night but I always show him it's my same 2 friends or my siblings. (He never texts anyone in front of me or ever goes on social media around me. He also has notifications muted.) I have also had to walk on eggshells in conversations with friends because of course everyone else talks about how hot celebrities are or how they found a guy/girl attractive at an event we are at, and I have to be very careful not to agree at all or even make it sound like I could possibly agree. These are just a few instances but these things happen a lot.
He has a lot of past trauma so I have tried to ignore this behavior and be patient and understanding, because I love him. When he isn't behaving this way he is kind, thoughful, caring, affectionate, attentive, hilarious, and so wonderful. He remembers all the little details about me, cooks, helps me clean around the house, etc. He has made it clear that he isn't happy with himself and that he doesn't feel good enough for me. He's been throigh a lot in his life so I try to be patient as he works through it. We talk a lot about our feelings and personal growth and he has made a lot of progress since we first started dating, so I have been hopeful.
He has always been guarded with his phone but has also handed it to me to play a game or look at something. Still, I had my suspicions that he had been hiding something from me, especially because he uses the bathroom multiple times a day for extended periods of time.
I wanted to ask to see his phone but he told me once that he believes if you have to ask to see your partner's phone then the relationship is already over. So I had to be sneaky which made me feel awful because now I'm being dishonest, but I found onlyfans on his most visited apps on the front page of his search screen and porn in his phone history, nearly every single day. Also found it the day after we had a conversation reiterating our boundaries about it where he said he would never lie to me and never hurt me, and that he would be usept if he ever found out I watched porn.
I realize now he's just been projecting onto me because I have always been faithful and consistent and he feels guilty. At the end of the day, I don't like that he's watching porn but it's more the fact that he has been lying with such ease and making me feel bad about things I've never done and wouldn't ever do while breaks boundaries behind my back that we set and agreed on together. It makes me wonder what else he would lie to me about in the future.
At this point, it sounds obvious to most people that i should just walk away but it's hard to portray all the amazing parts of him and how happy he makes me in such a small space. Things are never so black and white. I don't want to blow up something that could potentially be saved but i also dont want to stay in something that is a disservice to me. So what next?