Got what I wanted but am still the odd one out
So I (26f) got a job that I really wanted for a long time and moved to a new city bc its a temporary job with dorm style housing. But backstory, I haven’t had a friend since I was 13yrs old. No exaggeration, I moved to a new city/high school at that age and was depressed and suicidal so I isolated myself for years and when I finally got a but better, its even harder to make friends as an adult so I just kept myself busy working 2 jobs and staying home being on the internet or with whatever hyperfixation I currently had. So I feel like my social skills are even worse than they would be with just autism.
But Ifeel so annoyed with myself though idk I guess I was hoping that once I left my problems at home I would magically be better at socializing. Everyone here is so outgoing and they are constantly going out to bars and stuff like that and they invite me but I can’t make myself go. 1. Its usually always spontaneous and I cant do spontaneous things, it makes me extremely anxious not being able to prepare myself for stuff like that beforehand. 2. Its usually places I wouldn’t be interested in, im introverted so bars arent my thing. 3. We work such a taxing job and im mentally exhausted after and need time to decompress by myself
And I feel like Im not used to having to hold conversations with ppl that arent my family and already know everything about me/or quick convos with customers.
And then at work everyone is always talking and making jokes but I always feel like 5 steps behind even when they try to include me. 1. The work is very physically taxing so I try to conserve my energy + anaemic but I do talk and make jokes I just feel like everyone thinks im weird because Im so quiet and I feel like im the onky one who doesn’t fit in.
And I have audio processing problems so sometimes I mishear what they said and Im behind on a joke or a question that was asked or something and its all just very embarrassing. Everyone is really nice though and I can see they’re trying to include me things.
Idk what I even want with this post. Maybe just to vent. This was my dream for so long and I thought that once I got here there would be people I relate to and everyone would magically understand the way I am but im coming to terms with the fact that ive been too into books and fanfic and life isnt like that. Theres no special person who will come look for me at a party and choose to sit in a quiet room and talk about our interests instead of being downstairs drinking.
Idk im trying to stay somewhat positive and not quit and go back home to whats safe and normal, its just hard being on the outside.
I hoped this doesn’t sound too mopey but if anyone can relate pls reply, or if theres anything you guys would do differently please tell me.
I am really trying my best at socializing but I feel like my best is a neurotypicals worst.