My boyfriend M46 says he loves me F40, but I no longer feel loved in the relationship. What do I do?
I (40F) have been with my partner (46M) for about a year. It is long distance, so we usually only see each other on weekends.
The issue is that I feel emotionally lonely in the relationship and I am starting to emotionally shut down because of it.
I am a very affectionate person. I tell him I love him, compliment him, hug and kiss him, tell him I missed him etc. But I rarely get much back. When I arrive after not seeing him for a week, I usually initiate all affection. If I do not hug or kiss him first, there often is none at all.
Sometimes when I hug him he just stands there, and occasionally he gently pushes me away again after a few seconds. If I say “I missed you”, he often changes the subject instead of responding emotionally.
He also rarely says nice things to me or initiates emotional closeness. I might get a “you look good” once a week, but otherwise not much verbal affection, reassurance, cuddling, random kisses, or emotional warmth.
The confusing part is that he DOES bring thoughtful gifts every time we see each other. Flowers, chocolate, food, things for my kids or cat. So I know he probably cares in some way.
I also understand that people show love differently and I genuinely try to respect that. But at this point I am not even struggling with different love languages anymore. I often genuinely do not feel loved, or sometimes not even liked romantically.
What makes it harder is that he sometimes does emotionally open up. We will have a really connected weekend, he says he loves me, gives me a key to his place, talks about the future etc. But afterwards he often shuts down emotionally again for days or weeks.
For example, after giving me the key, he became distant and cold. When I asked if he was okay the following weekend, he took the key back and told me to leave.
Whenever I try to talk about the emotional distance, he becomes defensive and says things like:
“You really mess with me mentally sometimes” or
“Sorry that I apparently do everything wrong.”
Before me he was in a 15+ year relationship that he says became more like friendship than romance toward the end. Part of me wonders whether emotional intimacy just feels overwhelming or unfamiliar to him now.
I do not think he is a bad person and honestly love him. Also I think he probably does love me in his own way. But I feel exhausted from constantly reaching for connection while he seems to pull away whenever things get emotionally close.
Has anyone been in a relationship dynamic like this before? Can it realistically improve long term if one person struggles with emotional closeness, or does this usually end up becoming an incompatibility issue?
TL;DR: My long distance boyfriend says he loves me and shows care through gifts and occasional emotional openness, but he rarely initiates affection, emotional intimacy, or verbal reassurance. I feel increasingly lonely and emotionally rejected, and I am starting to fall out of love because of it. I am trying to understand whether this is something couples can work through or whether we may simply be incompatible emotionally.