I [26M] have been thinking a lot about my relationship with my gf [27F]
(Reposted due to original being removed. This is on a Throwaway).
So I (26M) have recently been having a lot of swirling thoughts about my relationship with my gf (27F), and honestly I don’t really know what to make of them anymore. For some context, we’ve been together for 2 and a half years after meeting through university, have lived together across 3 different rentals and have basically gone through thick and thin together. The first year of our relationship genuinely felt like the “honeymoon phase”. It felt like nothing could really take us down. Even when we first moved in together and had the occasional arguments or silent days while adjusting, we’d always bounce back quickly and move on from things without much issue.
But recently, especially after moving into our third place together, I’ve had this lingering feeling that a drift has started forming between us and I can’t stop thinking about it. She landed a full-time job within the past 2 months and works a standard 9-5 during the week, while I work a job that prioritises night shifts and usually come home really late at night or early in the morning. Because of that, we barely get proper quality time together anymore and honestly haven’t even had a proper date in over a month because our schedules never line up.
I also think the stress and routine of everything has started affecting us emotionally outside of just intimacy. We still care about each other, still cuddle, still support each other day to day and still function well together, but something feels different to me now. Less emotionally connected maybe? Less effortless? Sometimes it honestly feels more like we’re just co-existing around each other’s schedules instead of actually sharing our lives together, despite us actually sharing things like bills and groceries accounts, and I can’t tell if that’s just what adulthood and long-term relationships become under stress, or if we’re genuinely starting to drift apart.
Sex has also become a really heavy topic in the relationship and I think it’s a big reason why these thoughts have gotten louder in my head recently.
We’ve talked about it multiple times before and I completely understand there are real reasons behind it, especially with her anxiety medication, work stress and general health lately. I don’t blame her for any of that, and she’s reassured me before that it’s not because she isn’t attracted to me or doesn’t love me. But over the past several months our sex life has become almost nonexistent, and I didn’t realise how emotionally affected by that I’d actually become until recently.
I think what hurts the most isn’t even just the lack of sex itself, but more the feeling of rejection and disconnect that can sometimes come with it. I’ll try to flirt or initiate something and it usually gets shut down pretty quickly, so after a while I just stopped trying as much because I didn’t want her to feel pressured or like I was forcing anything. That was always one of my biggest fears and something I’ve openly talked to her about before.
We still kiss, cuddle and show affection physically, but in the rare chance things actually lead toward sex now, sometimes it almost feels more like we’re doing it to maintain the relationship rather than because we genuinely desire each other in that way anymore. That feeling honestly messes with my head more than I expected it would. It’s also affected me personally in ways I’m not proud of. I’ve found myself slipping back into porn at times just to fill that feeling of intimacy or release, but it honestly just makes me feel emptier afterward and adds even more to the disconnect I’m already feeling.
I know sexless relationships can work perfectly fine for some people, but for me sex has always been heavily tied to emotional connection, feeling desired and feeling close to my partner. So lately I’ve been struggling to figure out whether this is just a rough patch caused by stress, opposite schedules and life changes, or whether we’re slowly becoming incompatible in a way neither of us really wants to admit yet.
The part that makes this so hard to think or talk about with her is that I really do love and care about her deeply, and I know she loves me too. That’s why even having these thoughts makes me feel guilty and depressed. I don’t want to throw away or damage a relationship over something that could potentially be worked through, but I also don’t want to ignore these feelings until resentment quietly builds up over time and everything eventually collapses because neither of us addressed.
So AIO/AITAH for feeling like I want to end the relationship over this growing emotional drift?