Need to vent
I’m going to start this off with a post I made in 2024 and update/continue it because things got worse and I never imagined they would…but also wasn’t surprised
2024 -
My fiancee and I (38m and 38f) are getting married soon. She is the greatest thing to ever happen to me. My family absolutely adores her. We have 3 young children between the two of us
My parents always blamed me for everything my entire life. They blamed me for their marital problems when I was a kid, my mom blamed me for her unhappiness, etc. Basically if they could blame me for anything, they did. I learned to just suck it up and apologize even though I knew I did nothing wrong. I would never receive an apology in return for anything. I do hold myself accountable when I do something wrong, and I am that way because I grew up hating my family not being that way
When my son was born, my wife at the time needed an emergency c section because she had been in labor for more than 24 hours. While she was drugged up and out of it, she made a vague Facebook post to let everyone know our son was born and that he was in the NICU. She didn't have it in her to text everyone personally. Fast forward about a week later. My mom calls me and starts flipping out about how my wife was so inconsiderate for not sending her a text and for just posting about it on Facebook. She was also angry that I didn't involve my sister. My sister pulled some crap on me beforehand that made me not talk to her for two years. Our relationship was very rocky and she was not involved in anything having to do with the pregnancy. Didn't show up to the baby shower, gender reveal, nothing. Never asked how my wife was doing...nothing. Any time i tried to call my mother out for the way she was behaving, she would immediately turn it around on me as if i was at fault for her anger.
My parents haven't called my son on his birthday his entire life (He's 9). They haven't asked how he's doing, haven't asked to speak to him. Basically zero interest whatsoever. I've mentioned having him on certain days and they show 0 interest in communicating with him
Fast forward to Christmas 2022. It has been almost 3 years since my parents have spoken to my son at all. Our youngest was 6 and our oldest was 9. My dad and I don't really have a relationship and never have because he was awful to me as a child. Emotionally abusive and worked 7 days/week. Basically did everything he could to make me feel bad about myself. My mom and I don't talk much, but she's up my sister's butt. Some things happened to my sister a long time ago and my mom feels responsible, so my sister has always been her main focus. That morning, I texted my mother and asked if she wanted to watch the kids open gifts. TWO HOURS later she texts me back saying she hopes I didn't wait. Of course not. I had three young kids asking me why they weren't calling and I had to make up an excuse. She says her volume isn't working on her phone. I say "Okay, well your grandson is here for another half hour" and she said "Glad you got him". Radio silence after that. I'm driving my son back to his mom's house and I facetimed my sister so he could say Merry Christmas to everyone. Come to find out....my parents drove from Michigan to Tennessee to spend Christmas with my sister and her kids, but couldn't even call ours. Now the volume not working pissed me off even more, because she could have called from my dads phone...or my sister's phone, or my brother in laws phone, or my three nieces phones
I didn't text my mom back at all. Other than sending a few stupid memes and pictures of her dog, I did not hear from her until my birthday 6 months later. I told her my son was with me. She said she was glad I got him and didn't ask to speak to him at all. Handed the phone to my dad. Conversation ends. My fiancee is standing there dumbfounded that my parents didn't ask to speak to my son.
August 2023 rolls in and my mom says "Obviously you're angry with me. We need to talk. I'm sorry if I hurt you". This was not an apology. This was my moms way of acting like she doesn't understand why I'm angry
Again, I spent my entire life just apologizing and moving on even if I did nothing wrong. I can count on less than a whole hand how many times my parents have GENUINELY apologized for anything they've done to hurt me throughout my entire life. They always just blame me for everything and take 0 accountability for their actions. I'm tired of doing it now and don't want to deal with the toxic crap anymore. I was okay when it was just me. But this was something that hurt the kids and to me that is a whole different level that I want absolutely no part of
I lost it a little bit at "if" and told her she did hurt me, and the kids, and that she doesn't care. I told her the word "if" shouldn't be used because she KNOWS she hurt us. She then attempted to turn the entire thing around on me. I brought up her non existent relationship with her grandson and she blamed it on me. I brought up Christmas and she blamed the entire thing on me. I told her she hurt me, and it turned in to a "Well, you" thing. She told me I should have called my dad when she said her volume wasn't working, or my sister (I DIDNT KNOW SHE WAS AT MY SISTERS). She then blamed her lack of relationship with my son on me. I said "I told you he was with me for another half hour and gave you the ability to talk to him and you said you were glad I got him". She told me that by the time she saw the text, he would have already been back along with a bunch of other excuses. I took a screenshot of the fact that 2 minutes passed between our text messages and she went completely silent. Nothing. I didn't hear from her until Christmas (4 months later) where she punished the kids by getting them a gift card and an ornament while she got my sister's kids all kinds of stuff. She also didn't call. She sent me a text at 9pm saying Merry Christmas. My niece told me that she and my sister told her multiple times to just call and apologize. She won't do it. She still takes 0 accountability for her actions. She genuinely thinks that I'm wrong and that I owe her an apology
A week later, I get a letter in the mail from my mother telling me that we have unresolved issues and that she and my dad have health problems (guilt trip much?). She says that she apologized, has done everything she can and doesnt know what I want from her. She then basically tells me she's going to DO ME A FAVOR and not come to my wedding. Then writes multiple sentences about how much she loves her baby boy and is proud of me, etc. My son is torn up over the fact that they aren't coming, even though they don't act like they give a shit about him. My sister cannot come due to financial restraints, which I'm okay with. That's understandable. Even still, my parents could more than help her make it to our wedding. It's going to suck without her there, but I understand her situation. My parents though...there's no need for any of this. Some people could tell me to suck it up and fix it myself, but I've done that my entire life and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being blame-shifted every time my parents hurt me. I'm tired of my parents not holding themselves accountable for hurting others deeply. ESPECIALLY now when it comes to the kids. I'm never going to forget that my parents didn't show to my wedding and I don't know how to handle this. My fiancee feels horrible and angry for me, and I feel bad for her. I'm sure it's going to be embarrassing when her entire family shows up and my parents no-show. Our parents have never even met before!!!
2026
Wedding was great. My wife’s family kept asking her mom why none of my family was there. My parents didn’t call or text at all. Not even for my wife. Just radio silence. My heart broke for my wife that day, because she became a member of a completely different family, but only my son, my aunt, and my niece were there. My parents and sister said nothing to her.
They call my son every Thursday, but he doesn’t really like talking to them because he’s detached and says that my mom picks on him all of the time even though he tells her he doesn’t like it. My step kids haven’t heard from my parents in over 4 years. No happy birthday. No merry Christmas. They haven’t asked my wife how they are. They don’t even ask what they want for Christmas. They send a card in the mail with an Amazon gift card inside. I told the kids that they are not obligated to have a relationship with anyone who doesn’t act like they care. That even if my parents and I started talking again, I would never expect them to try to have a relationship with them
Back in December 2024 I caught wind that my mother was having health problems. I wrote her a 12 page letter front and back. I booked a flight to Michigan and then drove 4 hours to their house unannounced. Knocked on the door and my mom started sobbing hysterically. I gave her the letter and told her not to say a word until she read the entire thing. In it, I came out and told her that my sister molested me for most of my childhood. I figured that if anything was going to happen to her, I needed to get it out. I disassociated from it my entire life and it hit me months before I went up there. My wife was the first person I had ever told. My parents were next. I had been holding on to that secret for over 35 years
I sat there sobbing hysterically and nobody comforted me. My mom just sat there in shock. My dad wasn’t comprehending what was going on. Anyway, we moved right on from it somehow. I turned to how my mother hurt my wife by bailing from our wedding and not even having the courtesy to reach out and say congratulations. She said she would apologize to her. It ended up being a blank card in the mail that literally said “Sorry I hurt you” and nothing else
Long story short, I go back home. A year has passed. My mom and I talk on and off. She still has a very strong and close relationship with my sister at this point. My mom calls me because she is about to go visit my sister for a week in October. She doesn’t know what to do because she cannot hold this in. She has to say something. She just doesn’t know what or how. She tells me she has to say something because my poor sister doesn’t know why I’m not talking to her (SERIOUSLY?!!?). I tell her that she can give my sister the letter I wrote if it made it easier. She thanked me profusely and said she would think about that.
A few weeks later, I ask how the trip went. She tells me that she talked to a therapist before she went and because she loves us both, she’s staying out of it. She said she’s not going to be my middle man and that I’m an adult and need to handle this on my own. That the healing I need has to come from my sister. I fucking LOST it. I never asked her to do anything for me. I didn’t even say anything about talking to my sister. But once again, here we are. And over the worst thing that happened to me in my life. It was horrifying. And that’s how I get treated
I cut her back off again. I didn’t block her. Just stopped talking. She has not tried to reach out or apologize a single time. It’s been seven months. It has been so hard. My wife is helping me through it and I am about to go to therapy. This one hurt more than any of the other times. The entire time between when I told my mom what happened and I went NC again, she never asked if I was okay. She never asked if I needed any help. Literally nothing. I ignored all of this at the time and I should have known better. She continued her close relationship with my sister. I heard recently that they are MOVING over 1,000 miles to be closer to my sister. I am so hurt and messed up from all of this. I wish I never said anything to her. I wish I never shared any of that with her. But now she can one day lay on her death bed with that secret and I won’t be there to comfort her. Truly an awful human being, but it’s all my fault to her
Thank you for reading. I am so hurt and lonely, and I don’t know how to make it stop and I don’t know if it ever will