I (36F) went through an unexpected divorce last year from my ex (38M). I say unexpected because I had NO warning or saw NO signs that anything was wrong before he said he was done. We'd been married almost 3 years when he dropped the bomb on me. I knew our time together had been less due to my work situations at the time and his, plus both of us having children from previous marriages kept us busy as we both had joint custody with our respective exes. But I'd been trying to make sure that what time we did have was spent well, and I was always asking if we were good or if there was anything we needed to work on. He kept saying we were good.
Then, one weekend last year, he was acting distant and I asked if he was okay. He insisted he was fine, but had a lot on his mind. I understood, and insisted that I was there for him when he was ready to talk. The next day, he left for a walk. I felt something was off, but put it off as just our respective, and mutual, stresses. When he came home he asked if we could talk in our room. For whatever reason, I instantly thought "He's going to say he wants to leave," but pushed that away. I was right, though.
He had written me two letters, the first was from the day before and said he was trying to get up the guts to tell me he "didn't love me anymore" and "it's just not worth fighting for" and he didn't want to work on it or do counseling. The other was from that same day, and said the same thing but also that he was sure this was what he wanted. He'd already ordered a new phone on a separate plan, and had been looking for an apartment. Apparently, he'd been thinking about it for THREE MONTHS and had said nothing!
I immediately started disassociating mentally, I went numb, and calmly asked him if there was someone else. He said no, but he'd been on dating apps for a few weeks. I asked if he was absolutely sure this was what he wanted, and he didn't want to work on things...he started crying and said yes he was sure. He said again that he didn't love me anymore and that it wasn't worth fighting for but it wasn't me, it was him (I hate that comment so much). I took a moment, took a breath, and said "Okay."
I packed a bag, told him I was going to a friend's house and would stay there until he went to work two days later. I kept my shit together until I got to my friend's house then broke apart in her arms on her couch. It took a long time before I could coherently tell her what had happened and her response was the same as everyone else I would tell in the days following, "WTF?!" No one saw any signs, everyone was blindsided by it, and kept telling me "He's been singing you praises, though!" I think that hurt worse.
Basically, I haven't seen his face since that day and it's been almost a year. Since then, I got a lawyer and started the divorce process because I knew he'd drag feet on it, so I paid for it myself but told him then that I expected him to pay me back half when taxes came around. It's been a couple of months since he told me he got his in, and I haven't seen a cent yet. I've reminded him as nicely (somewhat) as I can that I still expected to be repaid for the divorce HE wanted.
So, AITAH for standing my ground on him paying me back?
UPDATE:
To answer some recurring questions and points: He never got his own lawyer since it was uncontested. The divorce finalized in the fall, and yes the repayment of half of the lawyer retainer fee is listed in the decree but doesn't have a specific timeline for repayment. I used a cheap lawyer since I couldn't afford a more bougie attorney, and with her attitude in general and just everything I just wanted it over and done.
Also, this hurt my kids something awful because they loved my ex and his child. We have all been in therapy (I was already in it when this all happened) so we're managing as best as we can. It just hurts still since it was so sudden.