Was I groomed?
I, (17F), am trying to make sense of my life as of right now. I believe I was groomed as a child around (7-8) by another kid but I don’t have any other perspective, and not an adult perspective as I’ve been afraid to tell anyone.
When I was 7, I used to go to an after school program ran by my school. I understand now that it was difficult for the teachers to watch us as there was plenty of us and not much staff. I remember we were sitting down, watching a movie. A boy, (12M), came over to me and asked me my name and if I knew what sex was.
I remembered — at the time — hearing the word in music and my mother telling me not to say it, so I told him that I wasn’t aloud to say that word. He nodded like he had understood, the he switched the topic, or so I had thought, to talk about the movie. He told me how boring he thought the movie was and I didn’t agree, but I said I did.
As a side note, I was completely isolated in school as a child, with little to no friends and dead self worth. I was always seeking a friend and anyone who would give me the time of day, I accepted. Please keep in mind that I was 7, not even double digits.
After slowly getting me further away from the other students, and away from the teachers towards the back of the classroom, he asked me to kiss him. I agreed, although I felt a slight discomfort and disgust, riddled with guilt and shame. I was also excited, and that helped me ignore how bad I felt.
I remember afterwards, he told me not to tell anyone, especially adults. I agreed because it was a secret, and friends keep secrets. I still couldn’t contain my excitement and after it happened, I ran around telling everyone we had kissed. One of the people I told was his younger brother who was my age. He immediately got incredibly angry.
I remember being so confused and upset. Now, the shame and guilt foreshadowed the excitement, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had done something terribly wrong. The brother told the teachers and they contacted our families. I remember my mother and grandmother coming to the school.
I remember sobbing when I got, home, thinking I was in trouble. My mother found me and asked why I was crying and I relayed my worries. I guess she thought that it was a rumor because we never talked about it and nothing happened. I was alone.
The brother continued hating me and the boy I kissed continued in his obsession with me. A year passed, yet, due to the fear and shame I felt relating to the day we met, I wanted nothing to do with him. He also avoided me because his parents got involved. He eventually got bored, but, in an attempt to get my attention, he kissed me again.
This time, we were going on a trip with our after school, or maybe to the auditorium, but I remember we were going down the stairs to go outside. We were in the back and he started talking to me.
Side note —I was already disgusted with myself and the situation, but I still didn’t understand the feeling. The true disgust started because we had a shared lunch period. Elementary and Middle shared the period. There were two sides. I was walking to his side because he wanted to talk to me when another 8th grader stopped me and asked, “Hey, aren’t you (his name)’s little girl?” The way she said little girl was so mocking and degrading that I rushed away from her and to him.
I believed he was safer because he told her to talk to me and they started a little banter. I could tell, though, that she was his friend.
Back to the staircase, he stopped me at the top of the stairs while the other kids and the one teacher kept walking. I remember he was eating pizza. He pulled me to him while I was mid sentence and he began kissing me with his tongue. I remember putting my hands up to stop him, his hands on my waist. I hated it.
It was one of the most shameful and violating moments of my life. I felt controlled by him. When he stopped, I gagged a bit, but we both had no time to process it as the teacher finally realized we were gone and called our names. He grabbed my hand and tugged me down the stairs.
The rest of that day went by in a blur that was filled with him talking to me, whispering things in my ear. I felt like I wasn’t even there and like I wasn’t even myself. I was scared too. I couldn’t get away from him, no matter how hard I tried. And I was angry that I was stupid enough to still want his company.
After that, I figured the best thing to do was to get him to leave me alone, so I told him we were breaking up. He shrugged and said he didn’t care. Weeks later, I think, one of my best friends, (9F), had asked me during lunch if it was okay for her to pursue him. She said he had approached her asking the same things he had asked me a year ago, sweet talking her.
I said I didn’t mind, I said I had no claim on him, but a deep unsettling feeling was pooling inside of me. Not because I was jealous of her, but because I was worried for her. After lunch I found them making out at recess playground. Word got out about that to everyone, including parents.
A few days after that, he came up to me and told me we were breaking up. I was so incredibly lost because I had already dealt with that. He told me the same thing I had told him, that he was bored of me and I just wasn’t enough. —Yes, I said that to him. I wanted to really drive in the blade and get him to finally leave me alone.
After the story of my friend and him got out, parents were outraged, my mother included. She said that my friend was fresh and I shouldn’t be involved with any of that, when little did she know, I was front and center. This moment is what has led me to keep my painful story in. That, and the fact that I have been unsure on if a teen can groom a child.
If anyone knows or have similar stories with a proper answer, please let me know. I am glad I could get this off my chest.