AITAH for hating my mom and trying to establish bounderies?
I love my mom, I do.
I just dont like to be touched, i dont think I've told anyone before.
That was my fault, at 15 i naturally have boundaries. I have trouble enforcing them with adults. I have a feeling of guilt an anxiety from telling adults no, im a bit if a people pleaser. I decided to start enforcing boundaries at 15 because i wanted to feel safer and more comfortable. I told my mom no. I i simply rejected a hug because i was simoly not in the mood to be touched.bShe looked at me as if i grew an extra head. I felt that same feeling of guilt, she tried to guilt trip me, tried to make me feel bad.
"Your lucky im doing this, your siblings would love to be in your situation now" "Your going to miss this when im gone you know." "Ok, ill remember that. Dont ask me for anything."
It was weird, but i felt better and even justified now. Because that was the reaction i got almost everytime i said no to her. I felt justified because the moment i tell her no, she starts trying to guilt trip me, make me feel bad for having a boundery she has in place for everyone including me. She grew up teaching ne to be respectful and nice to adults, she taight me to be wary of men in particular. I wont go into detail but after an incident with an older cousing ive been scared of men and being alone with them and especially groups of them. So i decided to start enforcing bounderies so i felt safer, more comfortable. Just like my mom taught me to. Right?
She taught me about bounderies, but the moment i enforce it onto her she acts like ive committed the greatest crime known to humanity. Its odd. Its odd how she thinks shes above the word no. Above ignoring me continuously telling her explicit no's. Above my boundiers.All because shes my mother. She think she has ownership over me, which automatically means she has access to hug and touch me however she pleases. It sound wierd, but she will hug and touch me when i am clearly annoyed, uncomfortable, explicitly tell her no and thay im not in the mood. Then act like im the bad guy. I honestly dont know how to feel. She barges into my room while im changing, doesnt knock, no warning nothing.
"Ive seen you body before." "You dont have anytbing i dont have" "Were both girls its not a big deal." I honestly hate it. And i honestly hate her for it. Whenever i tell her no, whenever i tell her i dont feel comfortable with something she keeps pusbing and wonders why i dont want to be near her, why i dont feel comfortable around her, why im constantly in my room.
I think its important to note ive been homeshooled all my life, ive only been to public school in the 2nd grade. Ever since then its public school. She poves to day we make out own "schedule". I think its her excuse to be lazy and neglecte my education so she doesnt have to go to a highschool and interact with teachers and what not. Ive told her several times growing up that i dont like homeschooling. I feel lonley, there nothing to do. What she failed to mention is we would be i side all day, everyday. Only time we would go out is for groceries, yard work, going to a family members house. There are no kids my age that live near us, we live in the country.
Growing up ive always been inside, befire i got my firsy phone at 11 i had nothing to do. I used to be able to go out an olay with some kids down the street from my old house when i was 7-10. But then she banned me from going iver to their house, from interacting with them. Because they were white. Its as confusing as it sounds, i love being black. My mom is pro-black, to an extreme. The only time ive ever seen her Civil towards white peopel is when were in public and she needs to be polite. Other than that she doesnt like them. It honestly made me dislike her growing up, she took away the only friends and form of human interaction for such a stupid reason i saw no other way to see her besides hate.
I despised her growing up, i still definitely do. I just know how ti co trol my emotions better and i like to say i am self aware. I know this feeling comes out of a sense of anger, guilt, and deep sadness. I honestly dont like the feeling, but i dont pusb it away either. I think my feelings are justified. I have bad thoughts though, thoughts i know arent ok or normal. I honestly hope she dies, i hope she dies so i can finally have a nirmal life. Move in with mys ister and nephew my age, go to a public school, make friends, do sports, have an actual life instead of being in this damed house all day doing nothing. I honestly thinks she wants me to be miserable and rot along with her.
I want to possibly go no contact but more realistically very low contact. I dont reay see her being in my life as an adult, i love her but i just dont think i would like that whatsoever. I hope our relationship is healed and in a better place by then but as of now, i highly doubt it. Am i the asshole for kind hating her and wanting to establish bounderies.
I know there are several spelling errors but please bear with me, im honestly in a state of confusion and anger and i need advice. I know people will most likely not take this post seriously but for those who do, please give me advice for how to establish bounderies and get rid of this feeling of hate, or at least subdue it.