u/Ghost_namesake

I've posted about this before, but I have new developments. My bf(40m) and I(40f) have been together for 3 years. We have lived together for 2 years. We make decent money, but housing on the west coast is expensive and we both complain about costs a lot.

His ex wife is pregnant and remarried to someone else. Her and her husband live on the opposite coast. He's maintained a friendship with her since they divorced. He told me he wants to give her $1,000 as a gift for the baby. I told him I was uncomfortable with it and see it as inappropriate and extravagant to the point of having implications. I thought we had come to an agreement that it wasn't the right thing to do, but he recently said that he was going to talk to his ex wife about it.

I'm upset. I feel very unheard about this. He seems to not understand why this gift is so inappropriate. To me, it's shouting that he values the ex over us saving to better our future. He's told me he never wants to get married again, which is fine, but I'm really feeling lost. I thought I was an important partner, but I'm feeling more like a convenience because of this situation.

I don't like the idea of telling him what to do with his money, but I also cannot accept the implications and meaning behind this gesture. I'm very conflicted. I think I need to have another conversation with him, but it seems like I'm just not getting through.

On top of this, she recently came to visit our city. I told him I would take time off to spend time doing whatever was planned. He seemed to not understand why I would want to be involved in the plans. I told him I thought it was inappropriate for them to be alone together if they were going to do a day trip or something, besides I enjoy doing day trips too. He didn't seem to be receptive of that. Luckily, she didn't have time for that anyway and we ended up going to dinner and then lunch the next day. I trust him, but the social implications are important to me.

I'm at a loss. Am I overreacting?