Can I get a sanity check please?
I guess this is more of a vent, and maybe some virtual hugs would make me feel better. I sense where this is going, but still would be nice to hear how this sounds to someone else. Just to not feel like I'm going insane. Or maybe I am the asshole here somehow?
Me and my long term nesting partner Oak just started "doing poly", something we've been talking about for quite a long time. From my understanding, we still had to do "the work" before adding serious partners, and that we're doing casual encounters first and taking it slow. It was a bit blurry and undefined though, so I guess this all was somewhat predictable. Still, we were definitely not ready to add more serious partners to the mix.
Few months ago, while we were in a bit of a rough spot in our relationship, Oak went on the apps, went on some dates with Birch. And within pretty much a few weeks a casual encounter turned into a "connection they are both shocked about and have never experienced before" and weekly dates, sometimes even more often.
Oak pretty much immediately told me that they have never had this kind of sex before, and multiple times after their dates I've had to hear about some new sexual experience they had.
Birch doesn't have any poly experience, was not looking for a relationship, and is basically going to try poly for Oak. Which in itself wouldn't be that bad because we're also kinda new to poly, and have to start somewhere right? But when Oak asked Birch to engage with the poly resources, Birch implied that basically they're just going off vibes, and didn't seem really interested in doing the work. Oak is pretty much saying the same things now.
From everything I've heard, Birch does not sound like an emotionally mature person. Oak has said that Birch is "a troubled person", and Birch's friends keep joking that Oak doesn't know what they're getting into.
Oak is already meeting Birch's friends and slowly becoming integrated in their social circle. Oak doesn't have much of a social circle outside of this, and from what it sounds like they're planning to have this be their social circle, and that's enough.
And to make things even worse, they have already been talking about taking ecstasy together. Oak also told me that Birch is a bit hesitant about the poly thing, and maybe that would help them open up and share feelings. I expressed to Oak that it's really not a good idea, and actually sounds super sketchy.
I also expressed that, if they plan to do it, I wouldn't be comfortable if they do drugs at our home while I'm away travelling, and to please do it somewhere else. The answer I got was that they can't promise that. When I got really upset about this answer, I got accused of restricting them.
In case you're wondering why I know this much - I did not want or need to know any of this. Since early on, I've repeatedly said that I would only like to hear updates about when they plan dates, and updates if Oak's sexual risk profile changes (and Birch's risk level is very high by my standards). At least for the first few months I'd like to hear as little as possible. This has not been respected.
The frustrating thing is that besides this all, I'm really happy Oak is having this experience. If my feelings were respected and I felt like our relationship was not put on the back burner, I'd let them make their own obvious first time poly mistakes and have this experience. So if Oak was better at hinging, this could have been so much easier on everyone.
Anyway, I said that - hey, we can maybe make this work, but please please let's also plan to leave enough time to work on our relationship to finish doing the work that we should have done before this adventure. I expressed that to feel safe in this relationship, I really need to feel that there's some initiative and attention from Oak's side so I'm not the only one scrambling and spending all my energy to avoid disaster.
I've spent a ton of time trying to basically manage all the emotional labour for two relationships, to try to scramble to make a plan on how to avoid complete disaster. Tried to schedule RADAR sessions, make a plan for reconnecing and trying to make a plan of doing "the work". But Oak has been busy with work and too tired to have attention for this, and feels like they're spending the rest of energy on their new relationship. And almost all of the dates I've tried to plan have been cancelled.
We are now travelling together to my home country, and I had an important performance that I was super stressed out about. I asked Oak if we can please focus on our relationship during this trip, and to please not mention Birch at least the day of my performance, because it's really destabilizing at this point. That didn't happen - Oak mentioned Birch multiple times on the day, and was texting with Birch right before and during my gig. I never disturb or text Oak when they're out on dates, and they had a sleepover at our place just a few days ago.
This all has been extremely hard for me. Every time I've tried to express how Oaks behavior hurts me, I end up having to defend myself for expressing this "too often", but it never really gets resolved because nothing changes. I can't say I have handled this well, but each time having my limits crossed just got to me eventually, and it's the first time I'm in this situation, and it feels like I was doing this on hard mode.
Not really sure what to do, but I'm guessing it's way past the point of repair. And it sucks.