I (30F) am mainly the initiator in my friendships/groups and often feel left out. Got a weird text from 29F friend, not sure how to move forward?
Hi,
I live it a major city with friends group from all different activities, and acquaintances. Probably 10 or so source groups.
I am the type of person that loves having people altogether when it makes sense, everyone I am friendly with is “average” in my life, normal jobs, similar socio economics, similar health/fitness level;. I say this because I want to be clear it wouldn’t be weird for the introduction to be made in “in the wild” venue like work or hobbies. I always am upfront with any multi people invitations.
I have one friend in particular who is rarely the initiator. In the 5 years I’ve known her, she has planned an activity just the two of us or a group reservation like 2-3x. Almost every time we hang out it’s me reaching out, suggesting a time, picking a place, etc. when the plans don’t work for her she generally says she’s busy with no alternative suggestion. Or she will say she doesn’t like a place or time but doesn’t suggest elsewhere.
this spring I was going through a tougher time in my relationship and she was judgmental (having never been in one herself). The past year I’ve slowed confiding in her because she just doesn’t have perspective in this regard and I’m very aware some people don’t like hearing about it and I think it can be a boring downer. No problem.
Since the spring I’ve been hesitant of reaching out because I’m tired of always doing it and feel rejected when the response is “can’t do it I’m busy” or no reply at all. She is apart of a friend group that I am also friends with, but they live close together and she rarely (1/20times) invites me. It’s hurtful, and I like i said I had a tough spring so this type thing can make you spiral. In conversations with her, they are generally positive but she doesn’t really ask much about me. She talks about her own work being hard and her trips and her xyz. I am very socially aware in conversation to ask people questions vs talk about myself. I ask her normal stuff, family, dates, friends, apartment, workouts classes -all normal stuff. She doesn’t really ask me any of these things.
Today I reached out to get together after not hanging out with her since mid march and this was the response in text . I feel it was strange because I have not mentioned friend b via text since atleast 2025, when I ask in person it’s really just in passing as I know they are close and it’s genuinely well wishes. I don’t even particularly like friend b so I have no interest in hanging out with her personally. It’s really just politeness because I can only fire off so many one sided questions.
TEXT MESSAGES:
Me: Hey! You, FRIENDS B& C
wanna walk around town this evening?
Her: Hey! I've been out for the past couple nights so just going to have a night to myself and catch up on some things
Also wanted to be honest with you about this - I know you may not mean it this way, but constantly asking if FRIEND B going to join/what she's up to when we do hang out sort of makes me feel somewhat undervalued in our friendship or like you don't want to just hang out with me
Me: Ahh sounds good!
Understood! Definitely not intentional just trying have everyone together so no one feels left out. haven't seen you in a while so wasn't sure if
maybe you guys have plans or something already. Anytime you want to get together l'd love to see you!
Many people in my life feel she can be a bit selfish, not maliciously, so just sharing context
I tried to call her, but she didn’t answer or reply.
TLDR: my friend doesn’t initiate plans usually and I initiated and received a text that she feels upset that I included our mutual friend. She didn’t answer not respond further.
How can I move forward in this friendship and how to deal with this conversation.