I have no one to talk to.
At 19 years old, I already feel tired in a way that not even sleep makes me feel rested. Not physically tired, but mentally exhausted. Every day feels the same: wake up, study, overthink, repeat. People say that hard work pays off, and maybe it does, because I achieved the things I wanted. I improved myself. I take care of how I look, I try to stay disciplined, I don’t waste my life drinking or smoking, and I genuinely try to become a better person every single day. But somehow, even after doing everything “right,” I still feel completely alone.
The strange thing is that from the outside, my life probably looks normal. I have friends, I talk to people, I communicate, I joke around, I try to fit in. But deep down, a lot of those interactions feel forced, almost like everyone is just playing a role because that is what people are supposed to do. I rarely feel truly understood. Sometimes I can be surrounded by people and still feel isolated, like there is an invisible wall between me and everyone else.
What hurts the most is probably relationships. I tried. I genuinely tried. I improved my appearance, my confidence, the way I speak, the way I carry myself. I put effort into myself because I thought maybe if I became “better,” someone would finally choose me, someone would finally see value in me beyond being just another person around them. But no matter what I do, I still cannot seem to find someone who actually likes me in a real way. Not temporary attention not forced conversations and not mixed signals making ur brain spiral like crazy — something genuine. And after enough disappointment, i started to question myself. What am I doing wrong? Is there something wrong with me? What can I do to achieve what others do so easily?
The worst part is seeing other people live the life you wish you had so naturally. Watching people laugh effortlessly, hang out without awkwardness, love someone without overthinking every word they say. Seeing people who are accepted without having to constantly prove themselves. Every time I see people genuinely happy, a part of me becomes sadder because it reminds me of what I feel like I am missing. Not money, not grades, not success — just connection. Real connection.
Over time, I turned into a machine. Studying became my "escape" because it was the only thing that made sense anymore. Books, assignments, goals — they are predictable, dont give complicated signals. So I buried myself in work because at least work gives results.
Sleep does not even feel comforting anymore. It feels more like shutting down for a few hours just to restart the cycle again. I wake up tired, not because my body is tired, but because my mind never really relaxes. There is always something missing. Some kind of peace I cannot seem to reach and I'm slowly starting to question if living is even worth it.
I don't know if someone will even see this message but I wrote this because I am alone.