I need help
I am on day 4 of a vicious binge… with no signs of stopping.
I’ve tried it all in OA. A sponsor who said eat 3MAD and nothing in between, I ended up relapsing after over a year with no trigger foods. Then I had the weighed and measured strict sponsors where you submit a meal plan daily. That worked for a while until it didn’t work either.
Now I have a sponsor who doesn’t get involved with my food at all… she believes in focusing on the spiritual part of the program. I started tracking on MyFitnessPal to give me some sort of structure and help me lose a bit of weight… and I ended up on this last binge.
My sponsor says I can’t recover because I haven’t surrendered what my body looks like but I don’t think it’s possible for me to surrender something that’s always meant so much to me. Especially when none of my clothes fit and I’ve gained 33lb in the last year of binging. I hate what I see in the mirror, I’m horrified by my appearance, I’m feeling lost. I want to quit 12 step as I feel like maybe this is not going to help me… maybe counting abstinence by days has become another manifestation of the disease…but I also have nowhere else to go and now I’m on an aggressive binge that just won’t stop.
I usually wake up with a high resolve and a sense of “let me try again, but this time I just don’t even care if I live or die..
To keep getting my hopes up, then get to 2,3, maximum 5 weeks then blow it has been devastating and soul crushing. It’s almost like I’d rather stay in it than get my hopes up again.