Is this trauma?
I don’t know who to reach out to anymore, I’ve tried therapy and I believe in prayer also but still feel this way.
I don’t want sympathy and for anyone to feel sorry for me but I just need someone who maybe understands or I’m not sure exactly what I need.
A few years ago I was very confident in myself, my career and liked to go out and do things whether that be with friends (my partner at the time) or solo I was content and excited to.
I was still in a long term relationship (from ages 17-32) at this point which is relevant because it may play a part, but it was toxic with lack of respect on their end and manipulation that built up over time. Not to say I was perfect but that changed me.
After a lot of pain I decided to leave the relationship (nearly 3 years ago now) which took a toll on me and it led me to not care about anything else in my life because I was just trying to get through each day and survive. I focused on healing and all the “right things” working out, eating healthy and healing but in that focus I started to not want to look at myself, or be around people and isolated a lot because I experienced more intense anxiety and overthinking / rumination.
Fast forward to now it’s as though I’ve healed aspects of myself that would never allow me to be in a detrimental relationship again but in that process it’s like I have lost parts of myself where I no longer enjoy life and there’s a lot of fear of new things and anxiety / rumination and panic.
I don’t even want to label myself with certain things to focus on that and take on that identity…. But I don’t understand it sometimes.
It’s like I have dissociated for protection and now I look in the mirror and don’t know where the last few years went or who I am and there’s this panic that comes up inside my body sometimes of feeling like I’m 90 and that I’ve let too much time pass and it’s too late. Then I overthink things and when I try to get back into doing things I used to love or new experience my brain seeks out ways to ruin it and make me panic about it and then turns it into fear even though I may have done it before numerous times with no fear. It’s almost like a form of self sabotage.
Then when I sit with myself I get so upset and angry because I’m trying to go against those feelings but it feels challenging and hard and then in moments of happiness it’s like I will suddenly panic and feel trapped inside my own mind and body.
I don’t know if I’m making any sense, I feel like I do all the right things but come back to this feeling and it scares me but I don’t know what I’m scared of. I try to speak kindly to myself but I feel fake and stupid and then return back to feeling like I’m wasting more time being negative when that’s not who I am.
I’m trying my best to explain this and I feel like it’s too late and I’ve ruined my life and I don’t know who I am anymore based on me just isolating but deep down I know who I am based on things I’ve done previously.
I feel some people will minimise what I try to explain in my experience, because it’s so layered and I have a deep understanding of myself also.
I just don’t really know how to navigate life anymore and some days I just feel like giving up. I hope this makes sense to anyone who has taken the time to read it.
**I even feel very apprehensive to keep this post up because I’m highly sensitive and worried that someone’s comment will make me fixated or ruminate on something negative**
Thank you.