u/Glad-Yellow8718

Im 19, and only had 3 relationships my entire life. My first lasted 4 years (dont be fooled, it was full of attachment there was no love), my second lasted 3 months and my current is 7-8 months ingoing. But i find myself wanting to kill myself more when im in relationships than when im out.

How do you find self worth? How do people have boyfriends who love them very much...? How do i get my boyfriend to do nice things for me that others do for them or like the things i do for him? It makes me feel so worthless and that i am always loving them more than they love me. I am seriously contemplating self harm every single arguement and Im not sure why im like this. Why am i always seeking selfharm in a way to cope and why does not achieving his validation drive me insane? How to make it stop

Hi reddit. This is gonna be a long story that i will try to make short. I, 19F started dating my Bf , 19M in november/decemberish. Throughout our relationship, our biggest issue has been his bestffiend, T. M21. My bf is constantly choosing T over me and prioritizes hanging out with T over me. T has no job and stays up playing games all night, So T wakes up late. My bf will be with me til T wakes up and then he will go play with T all night til hes sleepy then comes back to me. No matter how many times i voice how i dont like how he does that and it feels circumstancial that he hangouts with me rather than him wanting to; he argues that i dont have to be so selfish and that he also wants to hangout with his friend. On new years, I went home early from a party to be with my Bf, but T also came home at the same time and my boyfriend chose T. This seriously hurt me but i wanted to be a good girlfriend so i acted like it didnt but in future arguements, i revealed how it actually did hurt me (not that it really even mattered). our arguements usually ended with him acting like he understands and apologizes (which now im feeling like he only did to get me to stop) because it always repeats. this week, T and my bf have had this inside joke which i thought was nothing because when i asked he told me it meant nothing, but they accidentally let it slip that it meant something. And so i kept asking and they wouldnt tell me but theyd repeat the joke. Even when i stopped asking, theyd bring up the joke continously. yesterday they brought up the joke again and T said "you'll never get to know what it means since you just keep asking and interrogating" and my boyfriend said nothing but laughed along. When i brought it up to my boyfriend today, he stood up for T, like always. He said "T did that because you ask everyday about what it means and its annoying" "you dont have to know everything" etc, mind you. the joke has no meaning. the joke is made to make me THINK theres a meaning, but there wasnt one behind it. But anyways, we keep arguing til i realize, hes getting information that i didnt tell him (because its incorrect). so i realize, T is whispering nonesense in his ear and that could be possibly why he was so stuck on defending him so i confront the fact that Hes getting BS from T and so he makes a GC with the 3 of us. T starts saying shit like "if you gotta problem w me, @ me" And we go back n forth for an hour or less because its seriously like talking to a wall. T isnt listening to anything im saying and is just sitting there calling me nosey and annoying (As he told my bf to say in our dms) and repeating things ive told my bf like the fact 90% of our arguements is because of T. I eventually leave the gc because its getting nowhere and now my bf is in my dms asking how he can make it right but i genuinely dont have a clue. AITA? What should i even do.