Still Dreaming
I dream about them often. Some days I wake up knowing they came to me in my dreams, but I don’t remember it. Last night, it was very vivid.
They returned home for the summer. They moved across the country to go to school later in life this past year. They felt as if they didn’t have a direction in life and when we entered our relationship, they felt that they were inadequate because I was successful and secure in my life. I told them to take the time to figure out their path in life and I would love and support them every step of the way. This pushed them away.
In the dream, they were back. We were out with friends near the ballpark where I live, the place where they were preparing to move to before they started running. They had fully integrated with my friends, mentioning how grateful they were for every friend of mine as they helped throughout the summer. My TF would laugh with the group, but wouldn’t interact with me or look in my direction despite being in a small group. They started saying goodbye, preparing to return to school, and hugged or kissed the cheek of every person in the group, and then tapped my arm. I asked “no hug?” They looked at me with pain and sadness in their eyes, but couldn’t say a word.
I’ve had the feeling for the last few months that they are still in a somber place. They blocked me. They told me that they would find a reason to not go to school if we were still in each other’s lives, then looked for the first excuse to block me, but I have my ways of still seeing some public stuff. They’ve posted cryptic posts of things only the two of us would know or recognize, things about our first date, wearing things that I let them borrow of mine or doing things that I taught them. There’s also a burner account with zero followers, zero following, zero posts that views my stories consistently, coinciding with when my TF posts.
The dream last night gave me some validation. I’ve always known that this isn’t about me. I’ve known that they are trying to stay in my life and stay close without getting too close. There’s still an intense pull and a longing for our relationship, but they don’t trust themself.
To my TF: I still see you and I still love you unconditionally, with everything I am. I’m going to continue to respect that boundaries you set. The door is open when you’re ready. I’m going to continue to send love and support into our bond and will continue to build my life if/ when you’re ready to return to it.