Is this classic avoidant behavior or just emotional manipulation? (27F-31M)
I’m not entirely sure if my ex is an avoidant. We broke up 6 months ago after almost 6 years together. This breakup is final, but it’s actually our third official one over the years. He initiated the first two; this time it was mutual, even though he’s the one who seems more confident about it. Other than that, we used to fight constantly over petty things.
I suspect he might have an avoidant attachment style because our entire relationship was a rollercoaster. We went from moments of intense emotional intimacy, where he seemed to love me more than anything in the world, to moments where he’d tell me we had no common interests, that he was bored with me, and that he didn't look up to me. He took that last part back when we broke up, but honestly, I still don't understand why he ever thought that. He always felt physically insecure compared to me, but I constantly tried to reassure him and show him how much I loved him regardless.
The painful part of this breakup is that he seems completely fine. He moved into his own place and has never reached out to reconcile-only a couple of times for other, somewhat ambiguous reasons. A month ago, we had an "unofficial" reunion where we acted like a couple for about two weeks. He was adamant about not getting back together, yet we were kissing, having sex, going to the movies, and having dinner dates. Meanwhile, he kept saying contradicting things like, "It makes no sense to get back together because the dynamics would be the same", followed by "I still care about you a lot; what I tell myself and you is one thing, but what I feel is another" or even, "My feelings are dormant right now, I just feel affection and physical attraction". It was just one contradiction after another.
He wanted to keep this situationship a secret. I hated that, so I pressured him until he admitted he just got carried away by emotion, but didn’t want to fix the relationship and thought it was best to stop seeing each other. He said that seeing me makes him waver, and that he now wants to go to therapy and start fresh.
A few days ago, after several days of no contact, he texted me asking for examples of behaviors that made me think he "uses people for his own ends" (I had accused him of this). I answered, and he immediately got defensive, turning it back on our past dynamics-partly out of defensiveness, and partly, he claimed, to "understand if the way we acted depended on our core nature and different ways of interpreting things". At one point, I just stopped replying, and we haven't spoken for a week.
Honestly, I’m left wondering what all of this means. I’m so hurt because the very same person who used to say he loved me "so much it made him cry" is the same person treating me with a coldness and selfishness today that makes me feel like he never truly cared. I also feel this way because every single time we broke up, he immediately looked for other girls, only to turn around and criticize me for doing the exact same thing.